What I've Learned

This week has been an interesting week. As promised, I try to have a new adventure every weekend. This was a three day weekend, and on Monday, I decided to give back to humanity. On Sunday night, the news was asking for volunteers. The Haitian Embassy had a huge donation drive on Sunday and had received so much from the people of DC that were need volunteers to organize and sort all the donations.

Monday morning, I woke up, got dressed and went on my way. When I reached DC General, I was amazed to see a line wrapped around the building of people waiting to help out. There were people of all ages, races, and nationalities. It was truly beautiful. Inside, it was chaos. People had donated so much for the cause. All of the hundreds of volunteers worked together in various department in order to get everything sorted, boxed up, and shipped to the people of Haiti. It was exhilarating. We were working at a hectic pace. I was exhausted but extremely happy with what was accomplished. I met really nice people. I really felt like I had a purpose that day.

Fast forward to today, and I feel miserable. I spent most of the day crying. I have had a rough few months. I receive a call in September that my godson has to have stomach surgery. A couple of weeks later, I find out my mom has to have open heart surgery to replace a heart valve and triple bypass surgery. While in AZ helping out my parents, my brother has a heart attack. He has another heart attack a couple of days later, has surgery and then is placed in a coma in order to perserve his life. The range of emotions was intense. I was trying to still be completely engaged in my professional life and my personal life, but family had to come first.

When I finally was able to go see my brother in SC, all I could do was cry. He wasn't the strong man I remembered. After being in the coma, he had to learn how to walk, talk, and take care of himself again. Every night I left the hospital, I was in tears. I would drive to his house crying the entire way and then cry myself to sleep. It was the only release I had. Throughout this whole ordeal, I found out who my true friends were. My friend I have known forever would text me 2 in the morning just to let me know she was concerned and praying I was okay. There is another woman I have known since birth who I have grown apart from in recent years. For years, she had stabbed me in the back, lied to me, lied on me, used me to get away with things. I finally decided I had enough and pulled back on my friendship. We deal with each other occasionally, but not consistently. As soon as she found out what was going on in my life, she constantly reached out to me, ask me how she could help, call my parents to check on them, and let me know she was there when I needed her. My friends near and far, from London to China to Arizona to Ohio, would check on me, offer me encouragement, say kind words, and try to build me up.

On the flip side, I had other friends who seemed like they never cared. One stayed with me for a week, free of charge, I showed her around town, paid for a few things while she was here. She was around when I received the call that my brother had a coma. Do you think she checked on me after she left? NO! I had not heard from her for weeks until two days when she put something trivial on my Facebook page. One of my other friends, who I let go of recently, would tell me I was Debbie Downer and wouldn't even ask how my family was doing unless she was in the mood to listen.

You would think that would be enough to deal with, but now I have a new issue. My own mother is barely speaking to me. We got into an argument while I was there over Xmas. She wanted to have a pity party and say she made a mistake by having surgery. I told her that I could understand why she didn't see the opportunity as a second chance from God. She didn't talk to me the remainder of the time I was in town. She wouldn't call me once I returned home. Unless I call the house, I don't hear from her. To pour salt in the wound, I was cooking and cleaning the entire time I was in Phoenix. She would come and eat, say thank you, and go back upstairs until my sister came home. Then she would come down and talk, but not to me.

I've always been a good kid. Never got in trouble, always did well in school, and worked my way up professionally. I have always done what my parents needed. When my mom was sick a few years ago, I rearranged my work schedule to be able to take her to doctor's appointments and for lab tests. Even with this last episode, I flew myself in from DC on two separate occasions, worked out an arrangement with my manager and coworkers to be able to work in AZ although all my clients and consultants are in the Mid-Atlantic area. I never complained. I never asked for praise. Never expected it my whole life. I saw one thing to you and not even in a disrespectful way and you can't speak to me anymore?

I don't know what to do. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cry constantly and I am devastated on the inside. This is my mom. Not some stranger. I was driving home today crying and thinking to myself that if I got in a car accident and died, I really don't think she would care. I want to believe that's not true, but I really don't know. I feel so alone sometimes. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have no hope.

I have learned this week I can do all the volunteer work in the world, I can be successful at my job, and I can have tons of friends. But when you are truly heartbroken, none of it matters until you find a way to sustain your heart again. I really don't know what I am going to do. I believe I am strong woman. I believe God can sustain, but I really don't know where he's been lately. I don't know how to talk to him cause I don't think he will listen. He sees my pain, but it keeps getting worse.

I refuse to be defeated and one day I know I will be fine. I just don't think I will be okay for awhile and do know how much longer I will be tested. I gotta get through this some how. I really do.

Kiwi