Therapy Needed

I went back through and read all of my old posts. I realized how much I should have kept writing. I went through some pretty stressful times and my writing help me through it. I am going through some stressful things now. My doctors are telling me to go see a therapist. I"m not opposed to seeing a therapist. I feel like I need to talk things out. I need a change in my life. For the first time in my life, I truly feel unfilled. I have no purpose in my life right now.  My job is fine, but I am bored out of my mind. I sit behind a desk all day and solve problems. I'm pretty good at what I do, but I can't stay behind a desk all day.  It's killing me! My bosses are great, but there are some issues in my office.  Specifically, people are allowed to talk to you any kind of way. I have never received more disrespectful emails in my life than I have at this company.  And people just say "Oh, well that's just how that person is." I understand people have bad days, but what happened to be respectful and courteous to the people you work with.  I received an email the other day from one of the managers and it took everything in my body not to run to his office and claw him like a jungle cat. I could not believe he would send me not only a disrespectful email, but also somewhat threatening.  I decided Friday that I definitely need to change my stars right now. I can no longer hope everything is figured out. I need to take my own fate into my hands.

I decided three years ago I would only spend 10 years in the insurance industry.  I am in my 11th year.  I broke my own promise.  I have had enough. There is no good news in my job. I'm not saving lives. My job is to make money.  I find no satisfaction in my current position. I don't sell anything anymore.  I have a very high maintenance client who is more interested in domination than partnership. My company seems to be okay with these people treating us as a slave.  That somehow translates into partnership. I can't really understand it. I just don't think I can endure this type of situation for long.  If you know a relationship is abusive and yet you continue to subject yourself to the abuse, aren't you settling for an existence that you don't deserve.  Since my company will not change the way this relationship exists between me and my client, I've decided this is not the job for me. I never leave a job without something lined up.  This time I am considering a location change and a job change.

I love many things in life, but I truly love teaching people.  Helping someone gain a better understanding of  a subject or situation, fills me with job. I get really excited when I can see that they are enjoying and engaged in the topic we are discussing.  I love answering questions and giving examples to help the student get a better understanding of the subject. I've done a lot of different job functions in my career, but I have truly enjoyed teaching. I used to teach a diversity course for new hires when I was in underwriting. I even helped come up with a some of the syllabus. I really enjoyed teach insurance licensing continuing education courses to my coworkers and consultants.The great thing about training is that it doesn't really come home with you. You establish a course, talking points, activities for the participants, but it doesn't  linger with you.  I need a job that ends when I leave the office. I am tired of taking work home. It gets really old.  I have decided to go back to school and get my certification in corporate education. I want to be a corporate trainer. I really believe I would enjoy it.  The topic would constantly change, but that's really exciting to me. It keeps me a way from the desk every day which makes me a very happy girl!

I've been researching the schools I can go to get the certification. It looks like NYU has a really good program. I can take courses online and then occasionally have to go to NYC to take classes onsite.  Most of the onsite classes are on the weekend. It will take me about a year to complete the courses. I'm really excited. Part of me wants to move to NYC and take the courses. Just find a job up there and dive right in.  It would be awesome. I have always wanted to live in NYC. I love the energy. I love the vibe. People tell me I have a New York energy. I find that to be absolutely hilarious.  I keep getting hit on my NYC guys. Not really sure how that keeps happening.  I will get into details later about the recent conquests. I need to decide if I am going to do the commute or eventually move.I do love DC. I really love my apartment.  It is in the perfect location. Downtown Silver Spring. I'm walking distance to the Metro, grocery stores, bars, and restaurants.  I'm 5minutes from DC.  It's great, but I feel like it's time for a change again. I get restless sometimes and since I have nothing that ties me to this place, why not? I've done it before. I gave up everything to move to DC and it paid off in many ways.  Should I be courageous again?  I really need to consider my options. I'm truly excited about the possibilities.

About my new location! I switched job again.  I was with one company for 8 and half years.  I have been at two companies in the last 2 and half. I really need to get out of this industry.  I have great memories, but I'm just done. No matter what position I do, I'm just not content or fulfilled and that's just not enough for me. My new job is in Hunt Valley MD. The commute from Arlington was 70 miles each way so I moved to Silver Spring.  My commute is still substantial, about 40 miles each way, but I don't want to live in Balitmore and I just don't do well in the suburbs. If I was married with kids, the burbs would be great, but I like to get out and get involved. I love having the ability to walk to grocery shopping and great restaurants and entertainment.  I really like having that flexibility. I can drive somewhere if I want to, but I really don't have to.  I LOVE my apartment. It's a one bedroom, but it's in a great modern building. It's has a great workout facility, which I am underutilizing, resident lounge, and rooftop deck.  There's a 24 hour concierge. Free coffee every morning, Starbucks no less.. I have stone tile floors in my kitchen and bathroom, marble countertops, track lighting and stainless steel appliances. I LOVE IT!

I've discovered some really great spots since I have moved to this area. You know I love to go experiment. Pacci's Trattoria. I love this place. Is it the best pizza I have ever had? No, but it's good artisan pizza. My favorite pizza place in DC is Pizzeria Paradiso, but the energy at Paradiso is kind of snotty.  Pacci's is a beautiful location, but very unassuming. The staff is nice and helpful. They have great food. Full bar which is always helpful.  The tiramisu is a thing of beautiful! I took a bite and literally had to take a moment to savor it! It was cocoaey and smooth and creamy. It was heaven on my fork! And the portion was quite nice. I ate half on Friday and the other half on Saturday. It was every better the second day. Truly a thing of beauty. Jackies Restaurant has the best blackberry lime margarita I have ever had. Their drinks are magnificent. The food is good.  The salmon was really great. Crispy skin, nice and moist. The fried chicken and potato salad were good. The chicken was a little salty for me, but I'm more of a pepper person. It was very juicy! I really want to go there for brunch one Sunday. I'm going to have to make time for that some time soon. What I love about this place is that she changes up the menu to incorporate what is good and in at that point in the season. She does this with the food and with drink. It's really amazing.

Sidebar has some of the best cocktails I have ever had! Their menu of drinks is really impressive. I love how the menu is actually separated by the primary spirit used to make the drink.  If you like gin, there is a whole page or two of drinks you can choose for.  If you like brandy, there's a page for that too.  Most impressive? You can not order a vodka cranberry. They make their own juices and flavored liquors. If they don't make it themselves, and they do not make cranberry juice, you can't order it.  You can taste the high standards they set in the quality of the drinks that they pour!. Every drink I have had has been exceptional. And you only need one or two to get the job done!

I dived into 8407 Kitchen Bar as well. It's a beautiful restaurant. I missed it at first. Not sure why it was hard for me to find. I went for dinner and drinks with a friend.  Their ginger lime martini has become the love of my life! It's the best martini I have had since I have lived in DC. It wasn't sweet! It wasn't too spicy. It was just right!  I had the mussels which were flavorful. Not the best I have had in DC. The best mussels I have had in DC were at Mussel Bar in Bethesda.  They have these mussels with pancetta, thyme, cream, and mushrooms that made you want to put your face in the bowl. Absolutely delicious!

There are many more spots I need to try out.  I love the summer time because I do the most exploring when it's warm outside.  You get to dress cuter! Feel more free! I grew up in warm weather. I think something about the warmth soothes me! I love sunny days. If it's beautiful outside, I feel beautiful.  I love all seasons but the winter time.  Too cold and too many dreary days. It starts to depress me.

No new men on the man front. Not that I haven't met any men. They all live out of state.  My friends wanted me to go on Match.com. I tried it for a few days, but it freaked me out.  I have a big personality and I get a lot of attention, but  a lot of male attention freaks me out.  You have all these men winking and sending emails. It just got too overwhelming for me.  I had to get off the site, plus I think someone stole my credit card number from the site.  Jackass booked a hotel room in Italy! I was not happy when I found that charge. I don't like websites that make you store your card information! It makes it easy for hackers to get your information.

I did go natural. I was chemical free for about a year and a half! I recently put a mild texturizer in so I can have a little more control over my hair.  I went to you NYC and got a horrible haircut at a salon which is supposedly known worldwide for specializing in natural hair. They have their own hair products and everything. I have never left a salon in tears. I don't know what upset me more.  The horrible hair cut or the $450 price tag plus tip.  I was really not a happy girl with that whole experience.  I love the freedom of my hair. I can literally wash and go. It's truly liberating! I can add a flower, a headband, or nothing at all. It's great!

I rocked the natural for New Year's Eve! My hair was really big though! I had a beautiful lavender rose pinned to one side and my makeup was hooked up! I did quite a nice job. I went out for NYE in Philly.  I almost backed out. AT wanted me to go out in her city, but she just doesn't know how to behave. I almost stayed home, but I had already canceled on her a few times, plus I didn't want to stay in. I made the trek to Philly. I actually have to tell her that she couldn't drink like she normally does. I really believe she has a drinking problem. She will drink a bottle of wine by herself on a Tuesday. That's not normal or healthy.

We make our way out.  We drove into the city. It was warmer than normal. About 45/50 degrees out.  We started at Continental.  Really good food and some great drinks. So a very attractive man and his wife, but he lost man card points because he was ordering candy colored martinis and kept saying he loved fruity drinks.  I didn't help his case when I kept staring at how good of a job his esthetician did waxing his eyebrows. One of the security guys comes up and give me a compliment. As I said I had the big hair! I wore a strapless black top and some slacks with some 5 inch boots. I looked good.  And that's when the bad part of the night started. AT got pissed off because I was getting hit on and she was not. I was just sitting there minding my business and because he came to, it was a problem. It would get much worse!

Mind you, I dressed that heffa! Her wardrobe is horrible. I found a cute outfit, gave her a pair of earrings, and did her makeup. I did everything in my power to make her look good, but she's shaped up like spongebob.  She's got a square torso, not butt, and skinny legs. I did the best I could with what I had to work with. I may need to lose some weight, but I am grateful for my shape! It was a nightmare trying to find an outfit for her. Her boobs are even strange looking.  We leave Continental and go to Red Rooster. I love Red Rooster. I always seem to end up there when I am in Philly. No idea why.  We walk in and sit at the bar and begin scoping out the groceries.  There was a group of guys there with a girl.  You could tell she was with this one guy. They looked very much a couple, but there was 3 other guys with them.  When we sat down, I scoped the room. I locked eyes with a white guy with short brown hair. He had on a white shirt long sleeve dress shirt and jeans.  He did a double take when he saw me and then looked down at his phone. I gave him a smile. AT asked me who I would go for. I said the guy in the white shirt. She asked why and I said I really don't know. There was just something about him.

So I start up a conversation with 2 of the guys in the crew, the married guy and a guy from Montreal. I asked if the guy at the previous bar loses man points for ordering fruity drinks. Here comes Mr. White Shirt asking what we are discussing. The other guys tell me to ask him because he is the manliest one of them all. He agrees with me that the guy should lose his man card for his choice in cocktail. Call me crazy but I think a man should have a manly drink which lead me to ask Mr. White Shirt what he was drinking. Johnny Walker Black with a splash of ginger.  That's a man's drink baby!  Our conversation went from there.  They were all in town for the Winter Classic.  They worked for the NY team that was playing in the hockey game. Mr. White Shirt was producing the event.  He was the boss of most of them. I love a man in charge. Something sexy about a man that can give orders and knows what he's talking about! A man in control is very sexy to me.  This man cooks, he likes to garden.  I was ready to orgasm just thinking about it. He's originally from Vancouver.  He's been in NYC for 16 years.  He's very good at his job which is also very sexy.

He was a gentleman the entire night, but the way he would look at me. Have mercy! He would look at me as if to say "if I could get you home with me, you would be mine." I thought he was going to devour me the entire night.  He never made me feel uncomfortable. He never tried to pressure me, but if I would have gone to his room,  I would have been his, but I didn't go. He never asked. We hung out all night.  AT kept trying to hit on him and get him to stop dealing with me.  Yes, this is the same girl who thinks I should only get the black guy in the bar.  I always pull the white guy and it just irritates her, but this time she went to far.  Not only did she keep hitting on him.  She kept trying to get him to look at other women.  He handled her so well that I didn't have to do anything. He let her know in no uncertain terms that he was interested only in me.  And I had his attention for the entire night. He paid for our drinks and wanted us to hang out with them the rest of the night.

We leave Red Rooster to go to the hotel bar.  We all walked to the hotel, but the bar was closed. I waited for the one guy's wife to get out of the bathroom. Her husband and I were waiting for her in the lobby. Here comes Mr. White Shirt.  He thought he had lost me. He didn't realize I was still back at the hotel. He came all the way back to find me and low and behold, AT came back with him. She was supposed to be showing the rest how to get to the next bar we were going to but because he came back, she came back.  He grabs my hand and holds my hand for the rest of the night. We walk to the bar together. I can't remember the name of the bar, but we couldn't move. It was packed. All of us end up sitting outside. We sat next to each other. Touching each lightly and talking. At the end of the night, I was leaving to catch a cab with AT. We hugged and I kissed his cheek but he turned his lips to mine. I was walking away and he grabbed my hand and pulled me back to kiss me again! It was great! But I had to leave.  He had to work at 9 am and it was already 3 am. I texted him when I got back to the cab.  And she went off. "I can't believe you kissed him. He has a girlfriend." I asked her how she knew that and she said it was because he told her and showed her a pic.  Now, wouldn't you have given me a heads up on that before we left the first bar? And why would you be hitting on someone who told you he had a girlfriend?

To answer all of that. I don't think he had a girlfriend.  He was taking pics of me on his cell phone the whole night.  My shoulders my face my body.  If he had a girlfriend and she found those pics, that would be his ass. If he just wanted the hook up, he could have asked me back to his room, had his way with me and never speak to me again. But that's not what happened.  She was so pissed that I found everything that she always looks for.  He's successful, the right age, 39, cooks, and knows who he is.  He's everything she wanted but he wanted me. I saw the absolute ugliest side of her that weekend. Every text message I received from anyone she had a comment about.  It was exhausting. I had to let her go. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't want me to be happy for any reason. She actually said she envies me.  Envy is dangerous and it can lead to hatred. She had to go.  She really needs to deal with her personal issues and stop trying to c block me.

Mr. White Shirt. We've had some text messages here or there, but he lives in NYC.  He's got a great job but it's crazy and it's the end of the season and they are going to make the playoffs. I don't think it's the right time for us. I will be honest. I would love to get to know him and see what would happen. I have no problems moving to NYC. I would never ask him to give up his job and move to DC. He has a dream job in one of the best markets in the world. I wouldn't give it up. There was just something about him. He wasn't tall. Maybe my height. He wasn't the hottest guy I ever met. He's got that crazy Canadian accent.  He just had this intensity that drew me in.  He would just stare directly at me. Right in my eyes, he never wavered. He wasn't intimidated by me and I was intimidated by him.  He did finally grab my ass. He waited longer than most men.  But he just grabbed a cheek and let it go.  He wasn't rubbing on me in an inappropriate way at all at any point that night. He protected me, he held me, he took care of me.  It was all too comfortable, but it was really nice!

I would love to meet someone who I seem to click with very quickly.  Not too easily though. If it appears to be too good to be true, I believe it's not true.  I think you have to have flaws.  The relationship has to have some flaws.  It can't be too easy but it shouldn't be too hard either. I think he had the right mix of what I'm looking for. He's just in the wrong city and too busy which makes it hard to figure out if we could make anything out of it.

I can say this, it was one of the best nights of my life because of him.

That's enough for today. I need to write more as my therapy. I feel better when I write, but I need to be honest with my writing. Lets see if I can keep it up!

Kiwi