Is something wrong with me?

I have to admit. I am 33 years old and I have a massive crush on a coworker. I have had this crush for over a year. For people who know me, I am not a shy person. I could talk to a shoe if it would answer me. I gave a 2 hour presentation today in front of 40 people that I have never met. It's not like I don't talk to this guy. We work together, but we don't have any cases together. However, we talk frequently. Anytime I am in his office or he's at my office, we have the most fantastic conversations. We can talk about work, family, friends. We crack each other up. We always leave the conversation with a really big grin. During the holiday season, we were stuck at some of the same company functions, and once again, we had a great time. So for the life of me, I can't figure out why I haven't asked him out, but I am absolutely terrified.

Let me put it in perspective. I am in an industry, the insurance industry, that is really truly male dominated. I work with men all the time.  I go out to dinner with them, out for drinks, present for them and with them with no issue. Married men are never a problem for me. I am extremely comfortable with married men because they are not a threat to me. I would never try to take a man from his wife because I believe in karma and I would not want my bad acts to come back and bite me in the ass. Not my idea of fun. Single men are usually not a challenge for either. We flirt, we laugh, we joke, but it's never uncomfortable. Perfect example, one of the reps I work with who is based out of the Delaware office is an absolute sweetheart. He's like a 6'1 brother. He has his stuff together. Extremely handsome, good job, nicest guy. He walked me to my car today after our meeting. We stood and talked for awhile. He gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek and we went out separate ways. I wasn't offended by it. It's very nice that he is such a gentleman to me, but I didn't once feel uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about what people would think because we stood and talked to each other for a long time inside the building and outside. Everyone saw us leave early and walk out together. I won't lose any sleep over it.

Now, if this was Big Sexy (the nickname I have for my crush) I would absolutely freak out. I don't even touch him. When I am at his desk, I keep my hands to myself. This is extremely hard for me. I am a very touchy feely person. I touch everyone when I talk. I finally shook his hand after a year last month. As I said before, we have fantastic conversations. You would never know if you saw us talking to each other that I am so uncomfortable in the situation. It's not that I am afraid of him or that I don't like to be touched. I really don't know how I would react if he would hug me and kiss me on my cheek. My biggest fear is I am going to do something indecent. I can't jump on him at work. That's so inappropriate, but I would seriously consider it if he laid a hand on me. He came up behind me in the lunch room and was talking to me over my shoulder from behind. I literally had to hold on to the counter in the kitchen and not look back at him or I would have thrown him on the counter.

Last month, a few of my coworkers had to take one of our preferred vendors out for a happy hour. Big Sexy works with this vendor as well. We all mingle and talk to people but at one point, we were speaking with the same individual. He stands right next to me with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out. Normally, that would irritate me if it was anyone else did it. I would probably hit him in the chest and make a smart ass comment. It could be taken as a sign of arrogance. Do not get me wrong. He's extremely arrogant, but he also knows I will knock him off his high horse real quick if he plays that mess with me. When it's Big Sexy with his hands on his hips and proud rooster chest, it's such a turn on. He looks powerful and strong when he does that like he can take control of a situation or take control of me which is so hot to think about. I got  out of the conversation as soon as I could just to keep from throwing him against a wall and saying, "It's on!" He's just so big and thick. Broad shoulders, thick thighs. Oh have mercy!

Is everything all roses with Big Sexy? Hell no! We battle. He knows how to get under my skin and I know how to get under his. We are both smart asses with a quick tongue. We always have snappy comebacks for each other. There are times I think we do our best to get a reaction out of each other. The rest of our personalities could not be more different. I am extremely outspoken. I walk into a room, you know I am there because you will always hear me laughing about something. He's pretty quiet until he gets to know you, but he commands respect the minute he walks in a room. He's extremely intelligent. But he is also insanely good looking. Like abnormally pretty. At the happy hour, most of the women stood in a corner looking at him and giggling to each other about how hot he was. Some of the women at the office have professed their love to him. One of his clients had an HR person and a receptionist ask him out on a date all at the same business meeting. Why do you think I call him Big Sexy?

He also can be an absolute sweetheart. The older women in the office adore him becaue he treats them well. He's been a great help to me. I was new to DC. New to the sales office I was working in. He had my back. He let me know who I could be myself around, who I needed to be cautious with. He would always give me advice on places to go on the weekends.  If I need his advice, he makes himself available. He always answers me emails within minutes unless he's in a meeting. And in his own way, he can be kind of goofy which is adorable. He has to know how good looking he is. People tell him all the time. Sometimes he can do and say the goofiest thing and give you this look of a child. It's the funniest thing in the world to me.

So the magic questions is: What's wrong with me? Why don't I jump on this opportunity? He's everything I  should be looking for in a man, but yet I am still afraid. The fact we work together is a big hang up. No one could ever know we were together. I don't mind people in my business but in my personal romantic relationships, I want no interference. And sometimes people can be messy and try to sabotage your relationship. On the flip side, what if he is the right person for me? I wonder about that. It keeps me up thinking about it some days. I believe that's why he makes me so nervous. I have never had a man who has this kind of effect on me. A man I admire, respect, and who I think is amazingly sexy, physically and intellectually. He challenges me, and I like it. But he can also reign me in. He doesn't let me win. If he doesn't agree with me, he won't bite his tongue. He presents his argument and he stands his ground. Another turn on! Usually I am hate it when I don't get me way!

I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking, if he can sense how nervous he makes me. If he knows I silently adore him, that I think about him constantly and I worry about his safety. That I wish him all the best in life and wish I could be a part of what makes his life wonderful. I wonder....

One day, who knows when, this newly shy woman will get some balls and just bite the bullet. I always wonder why he doesn't ask me out? Is he not attracted to me? Do I inimidate him? Do I make him nervous? Or do I make him step his game? I have no idea. 2010 has to be the year I find out. I either need to move on from him or figure out what I really feel for him.

Trust me. I am scared out of my mind to know what the true answer to my personal mystery is, but I am dying inside not knowing. Something has to give....

Tired in Delaware
Kiwi