Last week was rough. I was really struggling. I cried for a few days, but on Thursday, I decided I needed to do something to take my mind off of things. I made an appointment at Bliss Spa at the W Hotel (my favorite place to go lately) to get a Brazilian wax and a Pedi-Colada pedicure. I was scared out of my mind to get the Brazilian. I have heard horror stories from women about the pain. For some crazy reason, I just had to have this procedure done. I had to prove to myself I was strong enough to endure it. If I could endure the Brazilian, I could conquer any obstacle. It's really idiotic to think that this wax had some significant meaning, I know. I needed something to pull me out of my funk.
So off to the spa I go on the same day as the Right to Life March on Washington. I am on the subway with all these people saying abortion is wrong and pictures of babies. All I could think of was, why are we all so obsessed with what goes in and out of a vagina?
For woman, we are used to it. We have lived with our vaginas since birth. We learned what it was for when we got older. Our vaginas can bring pleasure, pain and satisfaction. We go to the gyno every year to make sure our vaginas are healthy. We get our nether regions groomed for personal reasons or to be more presentable to the opposite or same sex. It's what we do.
Men, on the other hand, will do whatever it takes to get into our vaginas. I have heard the craziest pick up lines and have had the dumbest stuff said to me. One idiot, last Labor Day weekend, was with me at the same house party. He seemed nice enough. I met him through a mutual friend. I had seen him repeatedly. Usually he was an ass to me. I thought he hated me. Everyone had a couple of cocktails. He strikes up a conversation with me. He immediately tells me he wants to sleep with me. Now, I have never had a one night stand and at 33, I have no desire to ever have one. I would not want to see this guy for more than one date. I already know it's not going to happen, so I tell him, thanks but no thanks. He didn't take me seriously, and proceeded to tell me I want a guy like him because he's a freak. Now, I'm curious. The term 'freak' is thrown out there quite a bit. Every one says they are freaky now. It's the 'in' thing. I ask, like an idiot, what being a freak means. This man has the nerve to say that he will lick my asshole to which my immediate response was, "Why would you do that, and tell me you would do that?" Our conversation didn't last much longer. True to form, I went home alone and I have not seen or spoken to him since.
When I was Philly two weeks ago, I needed to eat some dinner. It was late. I just wanted to have a Cosmo and a burger. I went to Red Rooster in downtown Philly. I'm sitting at the bar minding my own business. I met some really nice people. This one young man, who was 23, decides he wants to be my special friend for the evening. As a woman who travels alone, men want to believe I want to hook up in every town I have to stop into. I have no idea why they think this, but they do. We are having normal conversation. He proceeds to tell me he can rock my world and have me calling his name. I tried to ignore him, but eventually he decided to get comfortable and rub his hand on my thigh. I didn't react, and he didn't know what else to do. Thankfully, he gave up before I had to break out the taser gun.
Bachelor #3 is the funniest story I have had in a long time. After my spa experience, which I will get back to shortly, I decided to meet a friend out for drinks. She's looking for a new man. I just wanted a couple of cocktails cause as you can see, I attract the wrong men. We go to Legal Seafoods at Gallery Place in Downtown DC. The bartenders were sweethearts. One kept calling me beautiful and gave me free drinks. Loved him! There were a group of people at the bar who come to this bar every single Friday for Happy Hour. They all either live in the same building or they work together and they have this routine. They were a fun bunch of guys and ladies. One guy told me that he wanted to get laid that night. Good for him. He can move to the next contestant. His friend was really nice until he said he was the perfect man. Once again, curious as always, I ask, "Why?" He said, and trust me, I can't make this stuff up, "Cause I have a 2 inch penis and a 50 mile an hour ass." I really didn't know how to respond to that. All I could do was laugh. What exactly am I supposed to say? Not really sure.
It will never cease to amaze me the things men will do just to get access or the promise of access to a vagina. They have no shame whatsoever. Absolutely amazing to me.
Back to my spa experience. I lay on the table with my bottom half of my body exposed to the world. God bless Shae. She is an amazing woman. She begins this process of waxing my nether regions like she was waxing my eyebrows. She could have cared less what it was. She applied the wax and off it went, and again, and again. Surprisingly, it really wasn't that unpleasant. I didn't shed a tear. I never screamed out. It was almost empowering. I won't sit here and say it was the comfortable experience I have ever had. It's quite personal. But I actually felt like I accomplished something. I overcame two of my biggest fears. I showed my goodies to someone besides my doctor and wasn't embarassed. I did something knowing it was going to be somewhat painful. I hate pain. I run from it. So for me to get this done knowing it was going to hurt was a huge feat for me.
The most important thing about the whole experience, I did it for me. I didn't do it for a boyfriend, a prospective lover, or some type of competition. I did it because I wanted to do something different with my life. I wanted to live edge just a little bit. And I absolutely loved doing something unexpected of myself. I am trying think of something else unexpected I can do. I could ask Big Sexy out. That's something unexpected and normally I would never do. It could be painful. He might say no. It's a strong possibility he could say no. We work together for God's sake. It could be awkward, but maybe it will be rewarding too.
We will just have to see what happens. I have no idea when I will see him again since now we work in different offices. If I can just keep my fearless attitude a little bit longer.......
Oh by the way, the pedicure was awesome! It was so relaxing and sinful. It was icing on the cake for a wonderful day. The ruby red tulips I brought on my way home helped make a perfect weekend.
Kiwi
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
What I've Learned
This week has been an interesting week. As promised, I try to have a new adventure every weekend. This was a three day weekend, and on Monday, I decided to give back to humanity. On Sunday night, the news was asking for volunteers. The Haitian Embassy had a huge donation drive on Sunday and had received so much from the people of DC that were need volunteers to organize and sort all the donations.
Monday morning, I woke up, got dressed and went on my way. When I reached DC General, I was amazed to see a line wrapped around the building of people waiting to help out. There were people of all ages, races, and nationalities. It was truly beautiful. Inside, it was chaos. People had donated so much for the cause. All of the hundreds of volunteers worked together in various department in order to get everything sorted, boxed up, and shipped to the people of Haiti. It was exhilarating. We were working at a hectic pace. I was exhausted but extremely happy with what was accomplished. I met really nice people. I really felt like I had a purpose that day.
Fast forward to today, and I feel miserable. I spent most of the day crying. I have had a rough few months. I receive a call in September that my godson has to have stomach surgery. A couple of weeks later, I find out my mom has to have open heart surgery to replace a heart valve and triple bypass surgery. While in AZ helping out my parents, my brother has a heart attack. He has another heart attack a couple of days later, has surgery and then is placed in a coma in order to perserve his life. The range of emotions was intense. I was trying to still be completely engaged in my professional life and my personal life, but family had to come first.
When I finally was able to go see my brother in SC, all I could do was cry. He wasn't the strong man I remembered. After being in the coma, he had to learn how to walk, talk, and take care of himself again. Every night I left the hospital, I was in tears. I would drive to his house crying the entire way and then cry myself to sleep. It was the only release I had. Throughout this whole ordeal, I found out who my true friends were. My friend I have known forever would text me 2 in the morning just to let me know she was concerned and praying I was okay. There is another woman I have known since birth who I have grown apart from in recent years. For years, she had stabbed me in the back, lied to me, lied on me, used me to get away with things. I finally decided I had enough and pulled back on my friendship. We deal with each other occasionally, but not consistently. As soon as she found out what was going on in my life, she constantly reached out to me, ask me how she could help, call my parents to check on them, and let me know she was there when I needed her. My friends near and far, from London to China to Arizona to Ohio, would check on me, offer me encouragement, say kind words, and try to build me up.
On the flip side, I had other friends who seemed like they never cared. One stayed with me for a week, free of charge, I showed her around town, paid for a few things while she was here. She was around when I received the call that my brother had a coma. Do you think she checked on me after she left? NO! I had not heard from her for weeks until two days when she put something trivial on my Facebook page. One of my other friends, who I let go of recently, would tell me I was Debbie Downer and wouldn't even ask how my family was doing unless she was in the mood to listen.
You would think that would be enough to deal with, but now I have a new issue. My own mother is barely speaking to me. We got into an argument while I was there over Xmas. She wanted to have a pity party and say she made a mistake by having surgery. I told her that I could understand why she didn't see the opportunity as a second chance from God. She didn't talk to me the remainder of the time I was in town. She wouldn't call me once I returned home. Unless I call the house, I don't hear from her. To pour salt in the wound, I was cooking and cleaning the entire time I was in Phoenix. She would come and eat, say thank you, and go back upstairs until my sister came home. Then she would come down and talk, but not to me.
I've always been a good kid. Never got in trouble, always did well in school, and worked my way up professionally. I have always done what my parents needed. When my mom was sick a few years ago, I rearranged my work schedule to be able to take her to doctor's appointments and for lab tests. Even with this last episode, I flew myself in from DC on two separate occasions, worked out an arrangement with my manager and coworkers to be able to work in AZ although all my clients and consultants are in the Mid-Atlantic area. I never complained. I never asked for praise. Never expected it my whole life. I saw one thing to you and not even in a disrespectful way and you can't speak to me anymore?
I don't know what to do. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cry constantly and I am devastated on the inside. This is my mom. Not some stranger. I was driving home today crying and thinking to myself that if I got in a car accident and died, I really don't think she would care. I want to believe that's not true, but I really don't know. I feel so alone sometimes. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have no hope.
I have learned this week I can do all the volunteer work in the world, I can be successful at my job, and I can have tons of friends. But when you are truly heartbroken, none of it matters until you find a way to sustain your heart again. I really don't know what I am going to do. I believe I am strong woman. I believe God can sustain, but I really don't know where he's been lately. I don't know how to talk to him cause I don't think he will listen. He sees my pain, but it keeps getting worse.
I refuse to be defeated and one day I know I will be fine. I just don't think I will be okay for awhile and do know how much longer I will be tested. I gotta get through this some how. I really do.
Kiwi
Monday morning, I woke up, got dressed and went on my way. When I reached DC General, I was amazed to see a line wrapped around the building of people waiting to help out. There were people of all ages, races, and nationalities. It was truly beautiful. Inside, it was chaos. People had donated so much for the cause. All of the hundreds of volunteers worked together in various department in order to get everything sorted, boxed up, and shipped to the people of Haiti. It was exhilarating. We were working at a hectic pace. I was exhausted but extremely happy with what was accomplished. I met really nice people. I really felt like I had a purpose that day.
Fast forward to today, and I feel miserable. I spent most of the day crying. I have had a rough few months. I receive a call in September that my godson has to have stomach surgery. A couple of weeks later, I find out my mom has to have open heart surgery to replace a heart valve and triple bypass surgery. While in AZ helping out my parents, my brother has a heart attack. He has another heart attack a couple of days later, has surgery and then is placed in a coma in order to perserve his life. The range of emotions was intense. I was trying to still be completely engaged in my professional life and my personal life, but family had to come first.
When I finally was able to go see my brother in SC, all I could do was cry. He wasn't the strong man I remembered. After being in the coma, he had to learn how to walk, talk, and take care of himself again. Every night I left the hospital, I was in tears. I would drive to his house crying the entire way and then cry myself to sleep. It was the only release I had. Throughout this whole ordeal, I found out who my true friends were. My friend I have known forever would text me 2 in the morning just to let me know she was concerned and praying I was okay. There is another woman I have known since birth who I have grown apart from in recent years. For years, she had stabbed me in the back, lied to me, lied on me, used me to get away with things. I finally decided I had enough and pulled back on my friendship. We deal with each other occasionally, but not consistently. As soon as she found out what was going on in my life, she constantly reached out to me, ask me how she could help, call my parents to check on them, and let me know she was there when I needed her. My friends near and far, from London to China to Arizona to Ohio, would check on me, offer me encouragement, say kind words, and try to build me up.
On the flip side, I had other friends who seemed like they never cared. One stayed with me for a week, free of charge, I showed her around town, paid for a few things while she was here. She was around when I received the call that my brother had a coma. Do you think she checked on me after she left? NO! I had not heard from her for weeks until two days when she put something trivial on my Facebook page. One of my other friends, who I let go of recently, would tell me I was Debbie Downer and wouldn't even ask how my family was doing unless she was in the mood to listen.
You would think that would be enough to deal with, but now I have a new issue. My own mother is barely speaking to me. We got into an argument while I was there over Xmas. She wanted to have a pity party and say she made a mistake by having surgery. I told her that I could understand why she didn't see the opportunity as a second chance from God. She didn't talk to me the remainder of the time I was in town. She wouldn't call me once I returned home. Unless I call the house, I don't hear from her. To pour salt in the wound, I was cooking and cleaning the entire time I was in Phoenix. She would come and eat, say thank you, and go back upstairs until my sister came home. Then she would come down and talk, but not to me.
I've always been a good kid. Never got in trouble, always did well in school, and worked my way up professionally. I have always done what my parents needed. When my mom was sick a few years ago, I rearranged my work schedule to be able to take her to doctor's appointments and for lab tests. Even with this last episode, I flew myself in from DC on two separate occasions, worked out an arrangement with my manager and coworkers to be able to work in AZ although all my clients and consultants are in the Mid-Atlantic area. I never complained. I never asked for praise. Never expected it my whole life. I saw one thing to you and not even in a disrespectful way and you can't speak to me anymore?
I don't know what to do. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cry constantly and I am devastated on the inside. This is my mom. Not some stranger. I was driving home today crying and thinking to myself that if I got in a car accident and died, I really don't think she would care. I want to believe that's not true, but I really don't know. I feel so alone sometimes. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have no hope.
I have learned this week I can do all the volunteer work in the world, I can be successful at my job, and I can have tons of friends. But when you are truly heartbroken, none of it matters until you find a way to sustain your heart again. I really don't know what I am going to do. I believe I am strong woman. I believe God can sustain, but I really don't know where he's been lately. I don't know how to talk to him cause I don't think he will listen. He sees my pain, but it keeps getting worse.
I refuse to be defeated and one day I know I will be fine. I just don't think I will be okay for awhile and do know how much longer I will be tested. I gotta get through this some how. I really do.
Kiwi
Monday, January 18, 2010
Love's In Need of Love Today
Last week was rough. I had to travel to 5 different states in a matter of 4 days. I drove about 1000 miles in 5 days. It's exhausting! Add to that, the terrible news about the passing of Teddy Pendegrass. I am a child of the 70s. I am pretty sure I was conceived after or during a Teddy song! In an African American home in the 70s, you could sure of a few things: an Afro, an 8-track player, and the Philadelphia Sound with Teddy P as its ambassador. Music was amazing back then . It had so much meaning. So much power. We were starting to come into our own. Civil Rights had gripped the nation in the previous decade. The 70s was all about climbing up from the ruins of Jim Crow laws and restriction. There was a lot of pride, a lot hope. It was a great time to be born.
Love songs in 70s were true and beautiful. I can remember growing up and listening to Stevie Wonder. Songs of the Key of Life was released the year I was born, 1976. I have always been amazed at how a man who has never seen the love of his life can write such magical music which can move you to tears of sadness and joy. His songs inspire you to believe in love and never give up on it. It reminds you that love hurts, but love can be triumphant. Love is in Need of Love is one of my favorite songs on that compilation CD. It can solve the needs of the world today which brings me to the other tragedy of last week.
The earthquake in Haiti breaks my heart. I can't watch the news coverage because I feel helpless. I want to do something. I have contributed some money, but I still want to do more. The hardest part of the entire tragedy is the heartlessness of men. Why are men like Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson allowed to exist? I understand God has a purpose for all people, but I fail to understand what their purpose could be. How can you claim to be a God-fearing person and try to conjure up such hate in people? For Rush Limbaugh to make a Haiti a political matter is more the despicable, it's inhumane. How can a person look at the struggles and devastation of the people in Haiti and not feel anything loving or compassionate? How can you watch children crying in the street, trying to find their parents, or looking for some resemblance of stability when their world has been completely turned upside down, and tell your listeners not to help these people? Most importantly, why is he still on the air? Can the radio stations who play him be so greedy that they too have lost their souls? It makes me cry to know someone with his influence would use his resources to promote such hatred toward his fellow man all because their skin is black. Why doesn't he just put a sheet on and prove me right?
Pat Robertson is no better. He pretends to be a man of God, but promotes hatred. All the natural disasters that have happened in my lifetime, he has never said the tornado that hit Oklahoma City and devastated the town and cost many lives was a sign from God because the people of Oklahoma City had done something wrong. When hurricanes hit Texas, he didn't say it was because the people of Texas had sold their souls to the devil. Why? Because they are mostly white. No one will say that's why Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh behave the way they do. They are racist, and the worst kind. They hide behind God and politics to cover their true motives. I believe they both in some way have sold their soul, and I believe one day, some day soon, they will both have to answer to God. Thankfully, neither will have to answer to me. God is much more forgiving than I am. I would have no sympathy for either of these men.
My travels last week, although tiring, reminded of something. People are good people by nature. There are some of us who have a bad soul, whose hearts are filled with evil, and they mean no good to mankind. But I also was able to see that most people have good intentions. I went to bar to have a drink in Philadelphia. I met lots of wonderful people while I was there. I met a man who was having drinks with his son. They were both white men, but it didn't even matter. All I saw was two men with beautiful souls. They were filled with joy, and you could tell through their conversation, they had a positive outlook on life. The father hugged me when he left. Just a genuinely wonderful man. I had those experiences when I went to Reading Terminal in Philly, while I was eating dinner in Richmond, and when I checked into my hotel in Delaware. I see good everywhere I go, and I want to believe one day good people will be in control of this world we live in.
We can't let hatred win. We can't let negativity dictate our futures. We can't let bad people steal our spirit. I pray for the people of Haiti. Nothing I could do would ever be enough to give them back what they have lost, but I have faith that God will see them through. He will give them strength to survive and to overcome. He will protect those with a true heart. He will help them see the light when nothing but darkness surrounds them.
I am going to volunteer and help box up all the supplies that have been gathered in DC and get them ready to ship to Haiti. It's the least I can do. And that's all anyone can ask you to do.
Love songs in 70s were true and beautiful. I can remember growing up and listening to Stevie Wonder. Songs of the Key of Life was released the year I was born, 1976. I have always been amazed at how a man who has never seen the love of his life can write such magical music which can move you to tears of sadness and joy. His songs inspire you to believe in love and never give up on it. It reminds you that love hurts, but love can be triumphant. Love is in Need of Love is one of my favorite songs on that compilation CD. It can solve the needs of the world today which brings me to the other tragedy of last week.
The earthquake in Haiti breaks my heart. I can't watch the news coverage because I feel helpless. I want to do something. I have contributed some money, but I still want to do more. The hardest part of the entire tragedy is the heartlessness of men. Why are men like Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson allowed to exist? I understand God has a purpose for all people, but I fail to understand what their purpose could be. How can you claim to be a God-fearing person and try to conjure up such hate in people? For Rush Limbaugh to make a Haiti a political matter is more the despicable, it's inhumane. How can a person look at the struggles and devastation of the people in Haiti and not feel anything loving or compassionate? How can you watch children crying in the street, trying to find their parents, or looking for some resemblance of stability when their world has been completely turned upside down, and tell your listeners not to help these people? Most importantly, why is he still on the air? Can the radio stations who play him be so greedy that they too have lost their souls? It makes me cry to know someone with his influence would use his resources to promote such hatred toward his fellow man all because their skin is black. Why doesn't he just put a sheet on and prove me right?
Pat Robertson is no better. He pretends to be a man of God, but promotes hatred. All the natural disasters that have happened in my lifetime, he has never said the tornado that hit Oklahoma City and devastated the town and cost many lives was a sign from God because the people of Oklahoma City had done something wrong. When hurricanes hit Texas, he didn't say it was because the people of Texas had sold their souls to the devil. Why? Because they are mostly white. No one will say that's why Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh behave the way they do. They are racist, and the worst kind. They hide behind God and politics to cover their true motives. I believe they both in some way have sold their soul, and I believe one day, some day soon, they will both have to answer to God. Thankfully, neither will have to answer to me. God is much more forgiving than I am. I would have no sympathy for either of these men.
My travels last week, although tiring, reminded of something. People are good people by nature. There are some of us who have a bad soul, whose hearts are filled with evil, and they mean no good to mankind. But I also was able to see that most people have good intentions. I went to bar to have a drink in Philadelphia. I met lots of wonderful people while I was there. I met a man who was having drinks with his son. They were both white men, but it didn't even matter. All I saw was two men with beautiful souls. They were filled with joy, and you could tell through their conversation, they had a positive outlook on life. The father hugged me when he left. Just a genuinely wonderful man. I had those experiences when I went to Reading Terminal in Philly, while I was eating dinner in Richmond, and when I checked into my hotel in Delaware. I see good everywhere I go, and I want to believe one day good people will be in control of this world we live in.
We can't let hatred win. We can't let negativity dictate our futures. We can't let bad people steal our spirit. I pray for the people of Haiti. Nothing I could do would ever be enough to give them back what they have lost, but I have faith that God will see them through. He will give them strength to survive and to overcome. He will protect those with a true heart. He will help them see the light when nothing but darkness surrounds them.
I am going to volunteer and help box up all the supplies that have been gathered in DC and get them ready to ship to Haiti. It's the least I can do. And that's all anyone can ask you to do.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Is something wrong with me?
I have to admit. I am 33 years old and I have a massive crush on a coworker. I have had this crush for over a year. For people who know me, I am not a shy person. I could talk to a shoe if it would answer me. I gave a 2 hour presentation today in front of 40 people that I have never met. It's not like I don't talk to this guy. We work together, but we don't have any cases together. However, we talk frequently. Anytime I am in his office or he's at my office, we have the most fantastic conversations. We can talk about work, family, friends. We crack each other up. We always leave the conversation with a really big grin. During the holiday season, we were stuck at some of the same company functions, and once again, we had a great time. So for the life of me, I can't figure out why I haven't asked him out, but I am absolutely terrified.
Let me put it in perspective. I am in an industry, the insurance industry, that is really truly male dominated. I work with men all the time. I go out to dinner with them, out for drinks, present for them and with them with no issue. Married men are never a problem for me. I am extremely comfortable with married men because they are not a threat to me. I would never try to take a man from his wife because I believe in karma and I would not want my bad acts to come back and bite me in the ass. Not my idea of fun. Single men are usually not a challenge for either. We flirt, we laugh, we joke, but it's never uncomfortable. Perfect example, one of the reps I work with who is based out of the Delaware office is an absolute sweetheart. He's like a 6'1 brother. He has his stuff together. Extremely handsome, good job, nicest guy. He walked me to my car today after our meeting. We stood and talked for awhile. He gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek and we went out separate ways. I wasn't offended by it. It's very nice that he is such a gentleman to me, but I didn't once feel uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about what people would think because we stood and talked to each other for a long time inside the building and outside. Everyone saw us leave early and walk out together. I won't lose any sleep over it.
Now, if this was Big Sexy (the nickname I have for my crush) I would absolutely freak out. I don't even touch him. When I am at his desk, I keep my hands to myself. This is extremely hard for me. I am a very touchy feely person. I touch everyone when I talk. I finally shook his hand after a year last month. As I said before, we have fantastic conversations. You would never know if you saw us talking to each other that I am so uncomfortable in the situation. It's not that I am afraid of him or that I don't like to be touched. I really don't know how I would react if he would hug me and kiss me on my cheek. My biggest fear is I am going to do something indecent. I can't jump on him at work. That's so inappropriate, but I would seriously consider it if he laid a hand on me. He came up behind me in the lunch room and was talking to me over my shoulder from behind. I literally had to hold on to the counter in the kitchen and not look back at him or I would have thrown him on the counter.
Last month, a few of my coworkers had to take one of our preferred vendors out for a happy hour. Big Sexy works with this vendor as well. We all mingle and talk to people but at one point, we were speaking with the same individual. He stands right next to me with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out. Normally, that would irritate me if it was anyone else did it. I would probably hit him in the chest and make a smart ass comment. It could be taken as a sign of arrogance. Do not get me wrong. He's extremely arrogant, but he also knows I will knock him off his high horse real quick if he plays that mess with me. When it's Big Sexy with his hands on his hips and proud rooster chest, it's such a turn on. He looks powerful and strong when he does that like he can take control of a situation or take control of me which is so hot to think about. I got out of the conversation as soon as I could just to keep from throwing him against a wall and saying, "It's on!" He's just so big and thick. Broad shoulders, thick thighs. Oh have mercy!
Is everything all roses with Big Sexy? Hell no! We battle. He knows how to get under my skin and I know how to get under his. We are both smart asses with a quick tongue. We always have snappy comebacks for each other. There are times I think we do our best to get a reaction out of each other. The rest of our personalities could not be more different. I am extremely outspoken. I walk into a room, you know I am there because you will always hear me laughing about something. He's pretty quiet until he gets to know you, but he commands respect the minute he walks in a room. He's extremely intelligent. But he is also insanely good looking. Like abnormally pretty. At the happy hour, most of the women stood in a corner looking at him and giggling to each other about how hot he was. Some of the women at the office have professed their love to him. One of his clients had an HR person and a receptionist ask him out on a date all at the same business meeting. Why do you think I call him Big Sexy?
He also can be an absolute sweetheart. The older women in the office adore him becaue he treats them well. He's been a great help to me. I was new to DC. New to the sales office I was working in. He had my back. He let me know who I could be myself around, who I needed to be cautious with. He would always give me advice on places to go on the weekends. If I need his advice, he makes himself available. He always answers me emails within minutes unless he's in a meeting. And in his own way, he can be kind of goofy which is adorable. He has to know how good looking he is. People tell him all the time. Sometimes he can do and say the goofiest thing and give you this look of a child. It's the funniest thing in the world to me.
So the magic questions is: What's wrong with me? Why don't I jump on this opportunity? He's everything I should be looking for in a man, but yet I am still afraid. The fact we work together is a big hang up. No one could ever know we were together. I don't mind people in my business but in my personal romantic relationships, I want no interference. And sometimes people can be messy and try to sabotage your relationship. On the flip side, what if he is the right person for me? I wonder about that. It keeps me up thinking about it some days. I believe that's why he makes me so nervous. I have never had a man who has this kind of effect on me. A man I admire, respect, and who I think is amazingly sexy, physically and intellectually. He challenges me, and I like it. But he can also reign me in. He doesn't let me win. If he doesn't agree with me, he won't bite his tongue. He presents his argument and he stands his ground. Another turn on! Usually I am hate it when I don't get me way!
I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking, if he can sense how nervous he makes me. If he knows I silently adore him, that I think about him constantly and I worry about his safety. That I wish him all the best in life and wish I could be a part of what makes his life wonderful. I wonder....
One day, who knows when, this newly shy woman will get some balls and just bite the bullet. I always wonder why he doesn't ask me out? Is he not attracted to me? Do I inimidate him? Do I make him nervous? Or do I make him step his game? I have no idea. 2010 has to be the year I find out. I either need to move on from him or figure out what I really feel for him.
Trust me. I am scared out of my mind to know what the true answer to my personal mystery is, but I am dying inside not knowing. Something has to give....
Tired in Delaware
Kiwi
Let me put it in perspective. I am in an industry, the insurance industry, that is really truly male dominated. I work with men all the time. I go out to dinner with them, out for drinks, present for them and with them with no issue. Married men are never a problem for me. I am extremely comfortable with married men because they are not a threat to me. I would never try to take a man from his wife because I believe in karma and I would not want my bad acts to come back and bite me in the ass. Not my idea of fun. Single men are usually not a challenge for either. We flirt, we laugh, we joke, but it's never uncomfortable. Perfect example, one of the reps I work with who is based out of the Delaware office is an absolute sweetheart. He's like a 6'1 brother. He has his stuff together. Extremely handsome, good job, nicest guy. He walked me to my car today after our meeting. We stood and talked for awhile. He gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek and we went out separate ways. I wasn't offended by it. It's very nice that he is such a gentleman to me, but I didn't once feel uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about what people would think because we stood and talked to each other for a long time inside the building and outside. Everyone saw us leave early and walk out together. I won't lose any sleep over it.
Now, if this was Big Sexy (the nickname I have for my crush) I would absolutely freak out. I don't even touch him. When I am at his desk, I keep my hands to myself. This is extremely hard for me. I am a very touchy feely person. I touch everyone when I talk. I finally shook his hand after a year last month. As I said before, we have fantastic conversations. You would never know if you saw us talking to each other that I am so uncomfortable in the situation. It's not that I am afraid of him or that I don't like to be touched. I really don't know how I would react if he would hug me and kiss me on my cheek. My biggest fear is I am going to do something indecent. I can't jump on him at work. That's so inappropriate, but I would seriously consider it if he laid a hand on me. He came up behind me in the lunch room and was talking to me over my shoulder from behind. I literally had to hold on to the counter in the kitchen and not look back at him or I would have thrown him on the counter.
Last month, a few of my coworkers had to take one of our preferred vendors out for a happy hour. Big Sexy works with this vendor as well. We all mingle and talk to people but at one point, we were speaking with the same individual. He stands right next to me with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out. Normally, that would irritate me if it was anyone else did it. I would probably hit him in the chest and make a smart ass comment. It could be taken as a sign of arrogance. Do not get me wrong. He's extremely arrogant, but he also knows I will knock him off his high horse real quick if he plays that mess with me. When it's Big Sexy with his hands on his hips and proud rooster chest, it's such a turn on. He looks powerful and strong when he does that like he can take control of a situation or take control of me which is so hot to think about. I got out of the conversation as soon as I could just to keep from throwing him against a wall and saying, "It's on!" He's just so big and thick. Broad shoulders, thick thighs. Oh have mercy!
Is everything all roses with Big Sexy? Hell no! We battle. He knows how to get under my skin and I know how to get under his. We are both smart asses with a quick tongue. We always have snappy comebacks for each other. There are times I think we do our best to get a reaction out of each other. The rest of our personalities could not be more different. I am extremely outspoken. I walk into a room, you know I am there because you will always hear me laughing about something. He's pretty quiet until he gets to know you, but he commands respect the minute he walks in a room. He's extremely intelligent. But he is also insanely good looking. Like abnormally pretty. At the happy hour, most of the women stood in a corner looking at him and giggling to each other about how hot he was. Some of the women at the office have professed their love to him. One of his clients had an HR person and a receptionist ask him out on a date all at the same business meeting. Why do you think I call him Big Sexy?
He also can be an absolute sweetheart. The older women in the office adore him becaue he treats them well. He's been a great help to me. I was new to DC. New to the sales office I was working in. He had my back. He let me know who I could be myself around, who I needed to be cautious with. He would always give me advice on places to go on the weekends. If I need his advice, he makes himself available. He always answers me emails within minutes unless he's in a meeting. And in his own way, he can be kind of goofy which is adorable. He has to know how good looking he is. People tell him all the time. Sometimes he can do and say the goofiest thing and give you this look of a child. It's the funniest thing in the world to me.
So the magic questions is: What's wrong with me? Why don't I jump on this opportunity? He's everything I should be looking for in a man, but yet I am still afraid. The fact we work together is a big hang up. No one could ever know we were together. I don't mind people in my business but in my personal romantic relationships, I want no interference. And sometimes people can be messy and try to sabotage your relationship. On the flip side, what if he is the right person for me? I wonder about that. It keeps me up thinking about it some days. I believe that's why he makes me so nervous. I have never had a man who has this kind of effect on me. A man I admire, respect, and who I think is amazingly sexy, physically and intellectually. He challenges me, and I like it. But he can also reign me in. He doesn't let me win. If he doesn't agree with me, he won't bite his tongue. He presents his argument and he stands his ground. Another turn on! Usually I am hate it when I don't get me way!
I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking, if he can sense how nervous he makes me. If he knows I silently adore him, that I think about him constantly and I worry about his safety. That I wish him all the best in life and wish I could be a part of what makes his life wonderful. I wonder....
One day, who knows when, this newly shy woman will get some balls and just bite the bullet. I always wonder why he doesn't ask me out? Is he not attracted to me? Do I inimidate him? Do I make him nervous? Or do I make him step his game? I have no idea. 2010 has to be the year I find out. I either need to move on from him or figure out what I really feel for him.
Trust me. I am scared out of my mind to know what the true answer to my personal mystery is, but I am dying inside not knowing. Something has to give....
Tired in Delaware
Kiwi
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Healthy and On the Road Again
I am feeling much better. I can sleep and breathe through my nose. It's a wonderful thing! I am off to tackle a new week at work, and the travel begins. I have to be in Richmond, VA Monday and Tuesday, Claymont, DE Tuesday night, and Philly Wednesday and Thursday. Yes, my life can be a bit chaotic. I don't mind traveling. I have been really fortunate to make friends in all the cities I travel to. I have so much fun when I go to Richmond and Philly. The cultures are completely different but both warming and comfortable.
When I go to Richmond, the people are so hospitable. Friendly, charming, so Southern. I stay at the same hotel when I go. The Omni Hotel in downtown Richmond. All the staff remembers me. They have wine tastings when I come to town. It's just so much fun. I have been to some great restaurants there. I need to add a few of them to the link list on the blog. Downtown Richmond is really cool and interesting. You have so much history next to a modern rebirth of city. It's a such a contradiction, but so capitvating at the same time. You have restaurants like The Tobacco Company, which is a very good steakhouse who prides itself on having old school cigarette girls selling products with these shelves attached to their bodies. You can move down the street and go to The Hard Shell which is a modern, tasty seafood restaurant with an excellent raw bar, creative menu, and delicious wine list. Each restaurant has its own energy, but the Southern hospitality at both is infectious.
Philly is completely different. Philly is all about the working man. I think out of all the cities I have been to in the Northeast (I still have to make my way to Boston which is one of my adventures for 2010), Philly is truly about the working man. People go about their life and the daily grind. After a hard days work, they are ready party!! And party hard! Downtown Philly reminds me of DC because it's a walkable city. Every block has a series of restaurants and bars to fufill what ever tickles your fancy. And by far, Philly has the absolute best happy hours for lowest prices I have ever seen. I usually stay at the Radisson Plaza Warwick Hotel in Rittenhouse Square. Fabulous hotel. The beds are amazing! The best part of my stay is their happy hour. They have this lovely restaurant called Tavern 17. At happy hour which last from 4-7, you can get $3 glasses of wine (the house wines are quite tasty) , $2 sliders (of which they have a quite a variety. The braised short rib slider is my absolute favorite), and $3 sweet potato/potato fries. You can get full and tipsy for less the $20. There is this 60+ year old bartender who is the best boyfriend I have ever had. He is such a flirt. He is so much fun, and everyone who goes to the bar adores him. All women, no matter how young or old, love him. He is such a gem. Naughty, but never inappropriate. That's Philly though. Naughty boys, great food, and cheap drinks. My kinda city.
So I am hoping for the normal wonderful adventures I have when I travel. It's always something fun. Always something new, and constantly keeps me on my toes. Although I dread traveling sometimes, I always have a good time.
On side note, I did something absolutely fabulous today. I was in need of an eyebrow wax. I have been hunting high and low for a spa or salon who utilizes hard wax instead of wax strips. I hate the strips. They peel off skin. I really want to start getting other areas waxed (I know. TMI), but I am so afraid because the strips rips your skin. I had a hard wax while I was in Phoenix done by a really good friend and I have been on a mission ever since. I received an email yesterday from Bliss Spa. Now, I have been purchasing from Bliss for years. Their body butter is awesome and comes in a tube. What more could you ask for? Plus anytime you stay at a W Hotel, you get their products standard in your room. Even better! A W Hotel recently open in DC and they have a Bliss Spa. So I decided to give their so called painless waxing a shot. And guess what? They have the blue wax with no strips!! My prayers have been answered.
I had never been to their spas before, but I loved what I experienced. The staff was wonderful. Very friendly extremely knowledgeable. The facilites were nice and hip. You felt chic and relaxed. Nice combination for a wanna be diva. The waiting room had fresh brownies, numerous types of tea, and spa water. It was lovely. The waxing was great!! The plucking of the stray hairs was more painful than the waxing. So I think I may have to finally bite the bullet and get a Brazilian. I know. It's dangerous, but why not? This is my year to do something I would never do, to experience life, and live it to the fullest. I think this would be a good challenge. I may not share the details, but I will let you know if I accomplish a personal victory!!
I need to get some rest to before getting on the road, but I am still awake!! I'm working on it!
Kiwi
When I go to Richmond, the people are so hospitable. Friendly, charming, so Southern. I stay at the same hotel when I go. The Omni Hotel in downtown Richmond. All the staff remembers me. They have wine tastings when I come to town. It's just so much fun. I have been to some great restaurants there. I need to add a few of them to the link list on the blog. Downtown Richmond is really cool and interesting. You have so much history next to a modern rebirth of city. It's a such a contradiction, but so capitvating at the same time. You have restaurants like The Tobacco Company, which is a very good steakhouse who prides itself on having old school cigarette girls selling products with these shelves attached to their bodies. You can move down the street and go to The Hard Shell which is a modern, tasty seafood restaurant with an excellent raw bar, creative menu, and delicious wine list. Each restaurant has its own energy, but the Southern hospitality at both is infectious.
Philly is completely different. Philly is all about the working man. I think out of all the cities I have been to in the Northeast (I still have to make my way to Boston which is one of my adventures for 2010), Philly is truly about the working man. People go about their life and the daily grind. After a hard days work, they are ready party!! And party hard! Downtown Philly reminds me of DC because it's a walkable city. Every block has a series of restaurants and bars to fufill what ever tickles your fancy. And by far, Philly has the absolute best happy hours for lowest prices I have ever seen. I usually stay at the Radisson Plaza Warwick Hotel in Rittenhouse Square. Fabulous hotel. The beds are amazing! The best part of my stay is their happy hour. They have this lovely restaurant called Tavern 17. At happy hour which last from 4-7, you can get $3 glasses of wine (the house wines are quite tasty) , $2 sliders (of which they have a quite a variety. The braised short rib slider is my absolute favorite), and $3 sweet potato/potato fries. You can get full and tipsy for less the $20. There is this 60+ year old bartender who is the best boyfriend I have ever had. He is such a flirt. He is so much fun, and everyone who goes to the bar adores him. All women, no matter how young or old, love him. He is such a gem. Naughty, but never inappropriate. That's Philly though. Naughty boys, great food, and cheap drinks. My kinda city.
So I am hoping for the normal wonderful adventures I have when I travel. It's always something fun. Always something new, and constantly keeps me on my toes. Although I dread traveling sometimes, I always have a good time.
On side note, I did something absolutely fabulous today. I was in need of an eyebrow wax. I have been hunting high and low for a spa or salon who utilizes hard wax instead of wax strips. I hate the strips. They peel off skin. I really want to start getting other areas waxed (I know. TMI), but I am so afraid because the strips rips your skin. I had a hard wax while I was in Phoenix done by a really good friend and I have been on a mission ever since. I received an email yesterday from Bliss Spa. Now, I have been purchasing from Bliss for years. Their body butter is awesome and comes in a tube. What more could you ask for? Plus anytime you stay at a W Hotel, you get their products standard in your room. Even better! A W Hotel recently open in DC and they have a Bliss Spa. So I decided to give their so called painless waxing a shot. And guess what? They have the blue wax with no strips!! My prayers have been answered.
I had never been to their spas before, but I loved what I experienced. The staff was wonderful. Very friendly extremely knowledgeable. The facilites were nice and hip. You felt chic and relaxed. Nice combination for a wanna be diva. The waiting room had fresh brownies, numerous types of tea, and spa water. It was lovely. The waxing was great!! The plucking of the stray hairs was more painful than the waxing. So I think I may have to finally bite the bullet and get a Brazilian. I know. It's dangerous, but why not? This is my year to do something I would never do, to experience life, and live it to the fullest. I think this would be a good challenge. I may not share the details, but I will let you know if I accomplish a personal victory!!
I need to get some rest to before getting on the road, but I am still awake!! I'm working on it!
Kiwi
Thursday, January 7, 2010
In the Name of Sisterhood
Sadly I am still under the weather. I am much better than I was earlier in the week. I can at least breathe out of my nose for a couple of minutes. We are supposed to get snow in DC tonight and tomorrow. It's beautiful to see, but I have no desire to drive or be out in the weather except for maybe a snowball fight later tomorrow. However, I am teaching a continuing education class in Richmond, VA tomorrow and needed to go into the office to print out the presentation to practice over the weekend.
I got dressed, put on minimal makeup and made my way to my office. Once I got there, I wish I had not gone in. I am talking to my bestest friend in the office. Her little girl was in the ER all day yesterday. So we were chatting about what happened and how the munchkin was doing. She's one of my little monkeys!. Anyway, I am always polite in the office. Whether I like person or not, I am always professional. This particular sister, who comes in the office occassionally, walks by. In the name of sisterhood, I say, "Hey." That heffer had the nerve to look me up and down and not speak. First of all, why am I getting mean mugged at work? In my defense, I loved my outfit and got quite a few compliments on it, but I looked normal. Very little makeup. Not my usual diva look I wear to work.
I just thought maybe she didn't hear me or I was imaging things. I don't know her well. We have never had any problems before which would mean there would be no reason for hostility now. I let it go. I am in the process of printing off my presentation. Same sister is in a conversation with someone whose desk is right by the printer. Once again, she stops her conversation and looks me up and down. Now, I try my hardest not to act my color in public, but she was ten ways of me putting my foot in her ass.
I remained professional and just ignored her. It got me thinking. Why do we as women do that? Don't get me wrong. There are so females I don't like. For instance, I work with a female who is always lying about her life. She makes up boyfriends, talks about how she is going pharmacy school, but she can't even pass community college. She doesn't take care of herself and she never has anything nice to say about anyone. I still speak to her and treat her with respect. Now when she says something stupid, I give her the "What the hell?" look.
As women in a world dominated by men, why do we not spend time building each other up as opposed to tearing each other down? If you ever watch straight men, a guy can come in with a better outfit, better haircut, or better car, and they don't give each other the evil eye. They may actually even give the guy a compliment. Gay men are kind of the same. They may talk about each other, but still come together in the end. Women, we are a different beast which is such a shame.
Women are the back bone of society. Mankind needs us! We provide warmth, strength, and comfort. We are envied by men for the way we show compassion to others. Yet, we don't always show that compassion for other females. It's really sad, and somewhat disturbing.
I can't tell all other women what to do, but I am going to do my best not to fall into the trap of woman hating. When I went out for NYE, I met a lot of different woman. Some were beautiful. Their outfits were tight. Their hair slammin'. And I gave them compliments. I enjoyed doing it. I received smiles from all of them as well as tons of thank yous. I am going to keep being the best woman I know how. I am going to build my sisters of all races up. One day we will rule the world. Hopefully, sooner than later.
Since I am feeling somewhat better, I may go to a poetry slam tomorrow night. It's only 5 bucks. I have never been to one and it sounds like fun. I love poetry. There is nothing sexier in the world than a good poem or a beautifully written love song. I wish more men thought of poetry sexy and romantic, and not just a way to get laid. Men are so predictable. I was also invited to a get together at my neighbor's house this Saturday. He's really sweet. He's from London. His fiancee is American, and she is pregnant with their first child. He's going to have over a few of his friends and some people in the neighborhood. Maybe just maybe I will meet a would be poet!.
Trying to stay warm in this cold city
Kiwi
I got dressed, put on minimal makeup and made my way to my office. Once I got there, I wish I had not gone in. I am talking to my bestest friend in the office. Her little girl was in the ER all day yesterday. So we were chatting about what happened and how the munchkin was doing. She's one of my little monkeys!. Anyway, I am always polite in the office. Whether I like person or not, I am always professional. This particular sister, who comes in the office occassionally, walks by. In the name of sisterhood, I say, "Hey." That heffer had the nerve to look me up and down and not speak. First of all, why am I getting mean mugged at work? In my defense, I loved my outfit and got quite a few compliments on it, but I looked normal. Very little makeup. Not my usual diva look I wear to work.
I just thought maybe she didn't hear me or I was imaging things. I don't know her well. We have never had any problems before which would mean there would be no reason for hostility now. I let it go. I am in the process of printing off my presentation. Same sister is in a conversation with someone whose desk is right by the printer. Once again, she stops her conversation and looks me up and down. Now, I try my hardest not to act my color in public, but she was ten ways of me putting my foot in her ass.
I remained professional and just ignored her. It got me thinking. Why do we as women do that? Don't get me wrong. There are so females I don't like. For instance, I work with a female who is always lying about her life. She makes up boyfriends, talks about how she is going pharmacy school, but she can't even pass community college. She doesn't take care of herself and she never has anything nice to say about anyone. I still speak to her and treat her with respect. Now when she says something stupid, I give her the "What the hell?" look.
As women in a world dominated by men, why do we not spend time building each other up as opposed to tearing each other down? If you ever watch straight men, a guy can come in with a better outfit, better haircut, or better car, and they don't give each other the evil eye. They may actually even give the guy a compliment. Gay men are kind of the same. They may talk about each other, but still come together in the end. Women, we are a different beast which is such a shame.
Women are the back bone of society. Mankind needs us! We provide warmth, strength, and comfort. We are envied by men for the way we show compassion to others. Yet, we don't always show that compassion for other females. It's really sad, and somewhat disturbing.
I can't tell all other women what to do, but I am going to do my best not to fall into the trap of woman hating. When I went out for NYE, I met a lot of different woman. Some were beautiful. Their outfits were tight. Their hair slammin'. And I gave them compliments. I enjoyed doing it. I received smiles from all of them as well as tons of thank yous. I am going to keep being the best woman I know how. I am going to build my sisters of all races up. One day we will rule the world. Hopefully, sooner than later.
Since I am feeling somewhat better, I may go to a poetry slam tomorrow night. It's only 5 bucks. I have never been to one and it sounds like fun. I love poetry. There is nothing sexier in the world than a good poem or a beautifully written love song. I wish more men thought of poetry sexy and romantic, and not just a way to get laid. Men are so predictable. I was also invited to a get together at my neighbor's house this Saturday. He's really sweet. He's from London. His fiancee is American, and she is pregnant with their first child. He's going to have over a few of his friends and some people in the neighborhood. Maybe just maybe I will meet a would be poet!.
Trying to stay warm in this cold city
Kiwi
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I Hate Being Sick!
I have been sick for 3 days. I am the worst patient in the world. I hate being sick. It makes me a miserable person. All you can do is check your email and watch movies on TV.
Since I was stuck in the house, I watched a movie I had not seen in awhile. Love in the Time of Cholera. I don't know who has seen this movie or who has read the book. It stars Javier Bardiem who is the strangest actor to me. Some movies he looks unbelievably hot, and other movies, he looks like a hot mess. In real life, I think he's very attractive.
The story is about a love sick boy who turns into a love sick man. He falls in love with this girl whose father thinks he's not good enough for her. Her father moves her away and eventually she finds love. However, he never gets over her. He cries for weeks, wouldn't imagine touching another woman, and resigns himself to a life of celibacy until she is free again. In the meantime, he discovers sex, enjoys it, and decides sex is the way to overcome his pain for his lost love. When it is all said and done, he sleeps with hundreds of women, he never marries, until his lost love becomes a widow. He waited 51 years, 6 months, and 4 days to finally have her back in his life again. He wins her love again, and they live happily ever after. I think the movie is obviously a fairy tale. But I think there are some people who truly love that deeply.
I have often wondered if those types of stories actually happen. I know men and women who have had their heart broken by someone and throw themselves into pointless sexual encounters to keep themselves from feeling any true emotions. None of the people I have known have ever pined or desired to be back with their lost love so much that they would wait years to be reunited. I don't know everyone in the world. It's possible this movie may reflect someone's life.
I don't think I have ever fallen in love with someone. I know I have cared about some men I have dated, but I would never really say I was in love. I have had my heart broken and/or been devastated by men I have dated, but I have never wanted any of them back. I have never desired that these men wake up one day and realize the mistake they have made, and come back to me. I can't think of any of them I would ever want to see again.
I guess I should long to find someone I can't get enough of. Someone who I get excited every time I see him or just the thought of him makes me feel happy and loved. When I see him, I should want my heart to leap out of my chest and get butterflies every time he touches me. We can just lay in silence and enjoy each others presence. I would love to have those feelings, but I have one question:
How long does that last, and can you sustain it forever?
I guess time will tell if I ever find true love or just a sub par representation of true love.
The worst thing about being sick: I had to miss free salsa lessons/open bar last night and Open Mic night tonight. I hate being sick!!
Kiwi
Since I was stuck in the house, I watched a movie I had not seen in awhile. Love in the Time of Cholera. I don't know who has seen this movie or who has read the book. It stars Javier Bardiem who is the strangest actor to me. Some movies he looks unbelievably hot, and other movies, he looks like a hot mess. In real life, I think he's very attractive.
The story is about a love sick boy who turns into a love sick man. He falls in love with this girl whose father thinks he's not good enough for her. Her father moves her away and eventually she finds love. However, he never gets over her. He cries for weeks, wouldn't imagine touching another woman, and resigns himself to a life of celibacy until she is free again. In the meantime, he discovers sex, enjoys it, and decides sex is the way to overcome his pain for his lost love. When it is all said and done, he sleeps with hundreds of women, he never marries, until his lost love becomes a widow. He waited 51 years, 6 months, and 4 days to finally have her back in his life again. He wins her love again, and they live happily ever after. I think the movie is obviously a fairy tale. But I think there are some people who truly love that deeply.
I have often wondered if those types of stories actually happen. I know men and women who have had their heart broken by someone and throw themselves into pointless sexual encounters to keep themselves from feeling any true emotions. None of the people I have known have ever pined or desired to be back with their lost love so much that they would wait years to be reunited. I don't know everyone in the world. It's possible this movie may reflect someone's life.
I don't think I have ever fallen in love with someone. I know I have cared about some men I have dated, but I would never really say I was in love. I have had my heart broken and/or been devastated by men I have dated, but I have never wanted any of them back. I have never desired that these men wake up one day and realize the mistake they have made, and come back to me. I can't think of any of them I would ever want to see again.
I guess I should long to find someone I can't get enough of. Someone who I get excited every time I see him or just the thought of him makes me feel happy and loved. When I see him, I should want my heart to leap out of my chest and get butterflies every time he touches me. We can just lay in silence and enjoy each others presence. I would love to have those feelings, but I have one question:
How long does that last, and can you sustain it forever?
I guess time will tell if I ever find true love or just a sub par representation of true love.
The worst thing about being sick: I had to miss free salsa lessons/open bar last night and Open Mic night tonight. I hate being sick!!
Kiwi
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It's cold outside and inside!
Today I am feeling a bit under the weather. My throat and my head hurts. I am a little miserable. It's freezing outside in DC. The wind chill has it at 10 degrees. The wind is blowing. So I decided to stay inside today. I hate staying at home because there is so much to do in this great city. I always want to get out and do something. Today I decided to think about the things I fear in my life. I have a really good friend who I have known since I was 16 who asked me why I was afraid to be in a relationship which is my biggest fear.
I dated a man, or he was supposed to be a man (more like an evil being), a few years ago who did everything in his power to destroy my spirit. He made me believe I was extremely unattractive. That no one would want me. I believed I was insignificant and ugly. That the only men who would want me would settle for me because they couldn't get anything better. I dated this man off and on for 4 years. And it was hell the whole time. I have no idea why I stayed or why I tolerated his mentally abusive ways. I have never been able to understand that period in my life.
I would love to say I have grown from that experience. If you see me at work, I am a beast. I walk into a room and I own the room. It's mine. No one can take it from me unless I allow them to. No one in the room would know I still have a lot of the insecurities this man made me feel. I refuse to be a victim, but yet, I am still victimized by my own thoughts and fears.
I am not just afraid to be hurt again. I was almost destroyed. My best friend from college told me that I was somewhat broken. That this man had some how destroyed the spirit I once had. The power I had within myself was diminished, and a weaker version of my previous self emerged. Part of me would love to be in love again and to find someone who adores me as much as I adore him. A man who I would love to spend me cold days and nights with, and who makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
My goal is to be open to that possibility this year. I have met some wonderful men in my lifetime who truthfully may have come along at the wrong time. Each one has done their part in helping me overcome my fears about men. I hope more wonderful men will bless me with their kind words and affection in 2010, and I hope I am open to receive their attention.
I always have the love of my girls! My friends have been the rock in my life. They keep me grounded. They keep me strong. They remind me I am loved all the world over. No matter how near they are to me or how far, my girlfriends have helped me find my inner strength again.
To all of you, I am truly grateful. I can never give you back all the love you have given me through the years. I adore each one of you.
Kiwi
I dated a man, or he was supposed to be a man (more like an evil being), a few years ago who did everything in his power to destroy my spirit. He made me believe I was extremely unattractive. That no one would want me. I believed I was insignificant and ugly. That the only men who would want me would settle for me because they couldn't get anything better. I dated this man off and on for 4 years. And it was hell the whole time. I have no idea why I stayed or why I tolerated his mentally abusive ways. I have never been able to understand that period in my life.
I would love to say I have grown from that experience. If you see me at work, I am a beast. I walk into a room and I own the room. It's mine. No one can take it from me unless I allow them to. No one in the room would know I still have a lot of the insecurities this man made me feel. I refuse to be a victim, but yet, I am still victimized by my own thoughts and fears.
I am not just afraid to be hurt again. I was almost destroyed. My best friend from college told me that I was somewhat broken. That this man had some how destroyed the spirit I once had. The power I had within myself was diminished, and a weaker version of my previous self emerged. Part of me would love to be in love again and to find someone who adores me as much as I adore him. A man who I would love to spend me cold days and nights with, and who makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
My goal is to be open to that possibility this year. I have met some wonderful men in my lifetime who truthfully may have come along at the wrong time. Each one has done their part in helping me overcome my fears about men. I hope more wonderful men will bless me with their kind words and affection in 2010, and I hope I am open to receive their attention.
I always have the love of my girls! My friends have been the rock in my life. They keep me grounded. They keep me strong. They remind me I am loved all the world over. No matter how near they are to me or how far, my girlfriends have helped me find my inner strength again.
To all of you, I am truly grateful. I can never give you back all the love you have given me through the years. I adore each one of you.
Kiwi
Saturday, January 2, 2010
No More Drama
Today started out as a wonderful day. It's very chilly in DC today. The high was only 27 and the wind chill was 15. Brrr!! The weather did not deter me from handling my weekend business. I went to Eastern Market to get my meat. I finished my grocery shopping for the week. I was in a great mood. Cooking lunch for myself when I get a text message from a friend.
I went to Jamaica with 4 other women in December. The island is beautiful. The people are warm and sweet, the food is delicious and the water is so clear you can see straight to the bottom. It would have been very relaxing, but one of the females (my texting friend) decided to be extremely disrespectful to the locals. At one point, she was downright rude to me. I try to be a peace loving person. So when I am irritated, I typically just walk away and deal with all my emotions internally. Not any more. I have decided to add speaking my mind as a part of the changes I need to make in 2010.
This female sends me a text message asking me to remove what she considered unflattering pictures of her from our Jamaica trip from my Facebook page. The pictures were fine, and included other people who were on the trip, so I said I wouldn't remove them because she looked perfectly fine. This heffer had the nerve to say that she had numerous unflattering pics of me, and she had refrained from putting them up, but would upload the pictures if I didn't take her pics down. At first, I was like, she has unflattering pictures of me up on her Facebook page now, and I don't really care. She kept going on and said she would remove the unflattering pics. Wanting to finish cooking my lunch, I told her I would take the pics down as soon as I was done.
As I was making my turkey tacos, I thought about it. How dare her start stressing me about some damn pictures and threaten to put up unflattering pics of me if I didn't comply. What kind of friend is that? I got more and more irritated the longer I thought about it. Instead of holding my emotions in like I normally would do, I deleted all of her pics and any pic she was in on my Facebook page, and I sent her text message telling her how dare she mess up my good day with some blackmailing, junior high, mean girl, nonsense. This woman is 31 years old and works a professional job. Are you kidding me? She is going to go through people's websites and decide what can be shown and threaten people into compliance. Can she really be that self absorbed? I guess the answer is yes.
I told her to stay away from me for awhile because I don't have patience or tolerance for such nonsense and she had irritated the devil out of me. She's neurotic, and she can't figure out why she can never keep a man. No man wants a crazy self absorbed woman.
Crazy people are everywhere. No matter what city you live in, you will always find one. It's all about how you deal with them. No more will I bite my tongue out of fear of hurting someone's feelings. People don't care if they hurt my feelings. Why should I care if I hurt theirs? I have had enough. I am truly going to be a healthy person, I have to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. I have to let toxic people go.
DC is a big city. I make new friends all the time. She is definitely replaceable.
I feel like I am getting a cold. My throat is sore. My body aches. I better not be getting the flu. I haven't had the flu in years. I am going to try to rest the remainder of the weekend. I have new adventures planned for next week. I am going to open mic night on Tuesday and they have a drag show next Saturday. I can't wait. I have to get healthy first.
Time for rest!
Kiwi
I went to Jamaica with 4 other women in December. The island is beautiful. The people are warm and sweet, the food is delicious and the water is so clear you can see straight to the bottom. It would have been very relaxing, but one of the females (my texting friend) decided to be extremely disrespectful to the locals. At one point, she was downright rude to me. I try to be a peace loving person. So when I am irritated, I typically just walk away and deal with all my emotions internally. Not any more. I have decided to add speaking my mind as a part of the changes I need to make in 2010.
This female sends me a text message asking me to remove what she considered unflattering pictures of her from our Jamaica trip from my Facebook page. The pictures were fine, and included other people who were on the trip, so I said I wouldn't remove them because she looked perfectly fine. This heffer had the nerve to say that she had numerous unflattering pics of me, and she had refrained from putting them up, but would upload the pictures if I didn't take her pics down. At first, I was like, she has unflattering pictures of me up on her Facebook page now, and I don't really care. She kept going on and said she would remove the unflattering pics. Wanting to finish cooking my lunch, I told her I would take the pics down as soon as I was done.
As I was making my turkey tacos, I thought about it. How dare her start stressing me about some damn pictures and threaten to put up unflattering pics of me if I didn't comply. What kind of friend is that? I got more and more irritated the longer I thought about it. Instead of holding my emotions in like I normally would do, I deleted all of her pics and any pic she was in on my Facebook page, and I sent her text message telling her how dare she mess up my good day with some blackmailing, junior high, mean girl, nonsense. This woman is 31 years old and works a professional job. Are you kidding me? She is going to go through people's websites and decide what can be shown and threaten people into compliance. Can she really be that self absorbed? I guess the answer is yes.
I told her to stay away from me for awhile because I don't have patience or tolerance for such nonsense and she had irritated the devil out of me. She's neurotic, and she can't figure out why she can never keep a man. No man wants a crazy self absorbed woman.
Crazy people are everywhere. No matter what city you live in, you will always find one. It's all about how you deal with them. No more will I bite my tongue out of fear of hurting someone's feelings. People don't care if they hurt my feelings. Why should I care if I hurt theirs? I have had enough. I am truly going to be a healthy person, I have to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. I have to let toxic people go.
DC is a big city. I make new friends all the time. She is definitely replaceable.
I feel like I am getting a cold. My throat is sore. My body aches. I better not be getting the flu. I haven't had the flu in years. I am going to try to rest the remainder of the weekend. I have new adventures planned for next week. I am going to open mic night on Tuesday and they have a drag show next Saturday. I can't wait. I have to get healthy first.
Time for rest!
Kiwi
Friday, January 1, 2010
Start of New Year and New Adventure
I decided to do something a little different for 2010. I decided to create a blog for a couple of reasons. For one, it will let me friends in far away places know what's going on in my life. Also, I need to push myself to accomplish my goals. What better way to push myself than letting people know what my goals are and let them keep me on track to complete those goals.
My goals for 2010 are as follows:
1. Start dating again
2. Have a new adventure every weekend.
3. Make the most of my professional life while balancing it with a healthy social life
4. Lose 40 pounds.
5. Live my life to the absolute fullest
6. Stop letting people's negative thoughts define me
My biggest problem is I fear the unknown. 2010 will be the year I release my fears and let the person my friends know and love shine through. I can't be afraid of getting my heart broken. I can no longer use my job as an excuse to put my life on hold. I can no longer run from the problems in my life. I can not be afraid to let loose and truly enjoy myself. This new outlook led me to Adventure #1.
Adventure #1
I never go out for New Year's Eve. My entire life I have lived in cities where you had to drive long distances to get to a happening bar or nightclub. So I always spent New Year's Eve indoors. This year, I decided since I live in a fabulous metropolitan area with good subway access and lots of cabs, I was going to enjoy NYE. And enjoy it I did. I made new friend over Thanksgiving, who I will refer to as AT. We went to my favorite spot in Washington, DC: Busboys & Poets. Busboys is an amazing place. You have people of all backgrounds, nationalities, and faiths coming together in a facility that is a restaurant, lounge, performance art space and bookstore. It is the most wonderful place I have ever been to. I paid my $78, which $10 went to charity, enjoyed my open bar and free food. The music was incredible. The energy was insane. I had so much fun! I met so many people who were filled with such a wonderful spirit. I was engulfed in a wonderful web of joyful freedom that words could not explain. So when I woke up this morning, no hang over or sore feet could take the smile off my face. My first adventure of 2010 was absolutely fabulous!
I know there will be some good adventures and bad adventures along the way. Share my experiences with me and give me your honest opinions.
Love you all! Happy 2010!
My goals for 2010 are as follows:
1. Start dating again
2. Have a new adventure every weekend.
3. Make the most of my professional life while balancing it with a healthy social life
4. Lose 40 pounds.
5. Live my life to the absolute fullest
6. Stop letting people's negative thoughts define me
My biggest problem is I fear the unknown. 2010 will be the year I release my fears and let the person my friends know and love shine through. I can't be afraid of getting my heart broken. I can no longer use my job as an excuse to put my life on hold. I can no longer run from the problems in my life. I can not be afraid to let loose and truly enjoy myself. This new outlook led me to Adventure #1.
Adventure #1
I never go out for New Year's Eve. My entire life I have lived in cities where you had to drive long distances to get to a happening bar or nightclub. So I always spent New Year's Eve indoors. This year, I decided since I live in a fabulous metropolitan area with good subway access and lots of cabs, I was going to enjoy NYE. And enjoy it I did. I made new friend over Thanksgiving, who I will refer to as AT. We went to my favorite spot in Washington, DC: Busboys & Poets. Busboys is an amazing place. You have people of all backgrounds, nationalities, and faiths coming together in a facility that is a restaurant, lounge, performance art space and bookstore. It is the most wonderful place I have ever been to. I paid my $78, which $10 went to charity, enjoyed my open bar and free food. The music was incredible. The energy was insane. I had so much fun! I met so many people who were filled with such a wonderful spirit. I was engulfed in a wonderful web of joyful freedom that words could not explain. So when I woke up this morning, no hang over or sore feet could take the smile off my face. My first adventure of 2010 was absolutely fabulous!
I know there will be some good adventures and bad adventures along the way. Share my experiences with me and give me your honest opinions.
Love you all! Happy 2010!
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