It's cold outside and inside!

Today I am feeling a bit under the weather.  My throat and my head hurts. I am a little miserable. It's freezing outside in DC. The wind chill has it at 10 degrees.  The wind is blowing. So I decided to stay inside today. I hate staying at home because there is so much to do in this great city. I always want to get out and do something. Today I decided to think about the things I fear in my life. I have a really good friend who I have known since I was 16 who asked me why I was afraid to be in a relationship which is my biggest fear.

I dated a man, or he was supposed to be a man (more like an evil being), a few years ago who did everything in his power to destroy my spirit. He made me believe I was extremely unattractive. That no one would want me. I believed I was insignificant and ugly. That the only men who would want me would settle for me because they couldn't get anything better. I dated this man off and on for 4 years. And it was hell the whole time. I have no idea why I stayed or why I tolerated his mentally abusive ways. I have never been able to understand that period in my life.

I would love to say I have grown from that experience. If you see me at work, I am a beast. I walk into a room and I own the room. It's mine. No one can take it from me unless I allow them to. No one in the room would know I still have  a lot of the insecurities this man made me feel. I refuse to be a victim, but yet, I am still victimized by my own thoughts and fears.

I am not just afraid to be hurt again. I was almost destroyed. My best friend from college told me that I was somewhat broken. That this man had some how destroyed the spirit I once had. The power I had within myself was diminished, and a weaker version of my previous self emerged. Part of me would love to be in love again and to find someone who adores me as much as I adore him. A man who I would love to spend me cold days and nights with, and who makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

 My goal is to be open to that possibility this year. I have met some wonderful men in my lifetime who truthfully may have come along at the wrong time. Each one has done their part in helping me overcome my fears about men. I hope more wonderful men will bless me with their kind words and affection in 2010, and I hope I am open to receive their attention.

I always have the love of my girls! My friends have been the rock in my life. They keep me grounded. They keep me strong. They remind me I am loved all the world over. No matter how near they are to me or how far, my girlfriends have helped me find my inner strength again.

To all of you, I am truly grateful. I can never give you back all the love you have given me through the years. I adore each one of you.

Kiwi