I went back through and read all of my old posts. I realized how much I should have kept writing. I went through some pretty stressful times and my writing help me through it. I am going through some stressful things now. My doctors are telling me to go see a therapist. I"m not opposed to seeing a therapist. I feel like I need to talk things out. I need a change in my life. For the first time in my life, I truly feel unfilled. I have no purpose in my life right now. My job is fine, but I am bored out of my mind. I sit behind a desk all day and solve problems. I'm pretty good at what I do, but I can't stay behind a desk all day. It's killing me! My bosses are great, but there are some issues in my office. Specifically, people are allowed to talk to you any kind of way. I have never received more disrespectful emails in my life than I have at this company. And people just say "Oh, well that's just how that person is." I understand people have bad days, but what happened to be respectful and courteous to the people you work with. I received an email the other day from one of the managers and it took everything in my body not to run to his office and claw him like a jungle cat. I could not believe he would send me not only a disrespectful email, but also somewhat threatening. I decided Friday that I definitely need to change my stars right now. I can no longer hope everything is figured out. I need to take my own fate into my hands.
I decided three years ago I would only spend 10 years in the insurance industry. I am in my 11th year. I broke my own promise. I have had enough. There is no good news in my job. I'm not saving lives. My job is to make money. I find no satisfaction in my current position. I don't sell anything anymore. I have a very high maintenance client who is more interested in domination than partnership. My company seems to be okay with these people treating us as a slave. That somehow translates into partnership. I can't really understand it. I just don't think I can endure this type of situation for long. If you know a relationship is abusive and yet you continue to subject yourself to the abuse, aren't you settling for an existence that you don't deserve. Since my company will not change the way this relationship exists between me and my client, I've decided this is not the job for me. I never leave a job without something lined up. This time I am considering a location change and a job change.
I love many things in life, but I truly love teaching people. Helping someone gain a better understanding of a subject or situation, fills me with job. I get really excited when I can see that they are enjoying and engaged in the topic we are discussing. I love answering questions and giving examples to help the student get a better understanding of the subject. I've done a lot of different job functions in my career, but I have truly enjoyed teaching. I used to teach a diversity course for new hires when I was in underwriting. I even helped come up with a some of the syllabus. I really enjoyed teach insurance licensing continuing education courses to my coworkers and consultants.The great thing about training is that it doesn't really come home with you. You establish a course, talking points, activities for the participants, but it doesn't linger with you. I need a job that ends when I leave the office. I am tired of taking work home. It gets really old. I have decided to go back to school and get my certification in corporate education. I want to be a corporate trainer. I really believe I would enjoy it. The topic would constantly change, but that's really exciting to me. It keeps me a way from the desk every day which makes me a very happy girl!
I've been researching the schools I can go to get the certification. It looks like NYU has a really good program. I can take courses online and then occasionally have to go to NYC to take classes onsite. Most of the onsite classes are on the weekend. It will take me about a year to complete the courses. I'm really excited. Part of me wants to move to NYC and take the courses. Just find a job up there and dive right in. It would be awesome. I have always wanted to live in NYC. I love the energy. I love the vibe. People tell me I have a New York energy. I find that to be absolutely hilarious. I keep getting hit on my NYC guys. Not really sure how that keeps happening. I will get into details later about the recent conquests. I need to decide if I am going to do the commute or eventually move.I do love DC. I really love my apartment. It is in the perfect location. Downtown Silver Spring. I'm walking distance to the Metro, grocery stores, bars, and restaurants. I'm 5minutes from DC. It's great, but I feel like it's time for a change again. I get restless sometimes and since I have nothing that ties me to this place, why not? I've done it before. I gave up everything to move to DC and it paid off in many ways. Should I be courageous again? I really need to consider my options. I'm truly excited about the possibilities.
About my new location! I switched job again. I was with one company for 8 and half years. I have been at two companies in the last 2 and half. I really need to get out of this industry. I have great memories, but I'm just done. No matter what position I do, I'm just not content or fulfilled and that's just not enough for me. My new job is in Hunt Valley MD. The commute from Arlington was 70 miles each way so I moved to Silver Spring. My commute is still substantial, about 40 miles each way, but I don't want to live in Balitmore and I just don't do well in the suburbs. If I was married with kids, the burbs would be great, but I like to get out and get involved. I love having the ability to walk to grocery shopping and great restaurants and entertainment. I really like having that flexibility. I can drive somewhere if I want to, but I really don't have to. I LOVE my apartment. It's a one bedroom, but it's in a great modern building. It's has a great workout facility, which I am underutilizing, resident lounge, and rooftop deck. There's a 24 hour concierge. Free coffee every morning, Starbucks no less.. I have stone tile floors in my kitchen and bathroom, marble countertops, track lighting and stainless steel appliances. I LOVE IT!
I've discovered some really great spots since I have moved to this area. You know I love to go experiment. Pacci's Trattoria. I love this place. Is it the best pizza I have ever had? No, but it's good artisan pizza. My favorite pizza place in DC is Pizzeria Paradiso, but the energy at Paradiso is kind of snotty. Pacci's is a beautiful location, but very unassuming. The staff is nice and helpful. They have great food. Full bar which is always helpful. The tiramisu is a thing of beautiful! I took a bite and literally had to take a moment to savor it! It was cocoaey and smooth and creamy. It was heaven on my fork! And the portion was quite nice. I ate half on Friday and the other half on Saturday. It was every better the second day. Truly a thing of beauty. Jackies Restaurant has the best blackberry lime margarita I have ever had. Their drinks are magnificent. The food is good. The salmon was really great. Crispy skin, nice and moist. The fried chicken and potato salad were good. The chicken was a little salty for me, but I'm more of a pepper person. It was very juicy! I really want to go there for brunch one Sunday. I'm going to have to make time for that some time soon. What I love about this place is that she changes up the menu to incorporate what is good and in at that point in the season. She does this with the food and with drink. It's really amazing.
Sidebar has some of the best cocktails I have ever had! Their menu of drinks is really impressive. I love how the menu is actually separated by the primary spirit used to make the drink. If you like gin, there is a whole page or two of drinks you can choose for. If you like brandy, there's a page for that too. Most impressive? You can not order a vodka cranberry. They make their own juices and flavored liquors. If they don't make it themselves, and they do not make cranberry juice, you can't order it. You can taste the high standards they set in the quality of the drinks that they pour!. Every drink I have had has been exceptional. And you only need one or two to get the job done!
I dived into 8407 Kitchen Bar as well. It's a beautiful restaurant. I missed it at first. Not sure why it was hard for me to find. I went for dinner and drinks with a friend. Their ginger lime martini has become the love of my life! It's the best martini I have had since I have lived in DC. It wasn't sweet! It wasn't too spicy. It was just right! I had the mussels which were flavorful. Not the best I have had in DC. The best mussels I have had in DC were at Mussel Bar in Bethesda. They have these mussels with pancetta, thyme, cream, and mushrooms that made you want to put your face in the bowl. Absolutely delicious!
There are many more spots I need to try out. I love the summer time because I do the most exploring when it's warm outside. You get to dress cuter! Feel more free! I grew up in warm weather. I think something about the warmth soothes me! I love sunny days. If it's beautiful outside, I feel beautiful. I love all seasons but the winter time. Too cold and too many dreary days. It starts to depress me.
No new men on the man front. Not that I haven't met any men. They all live out of state. My friends wanted me to go on Match.com. I tried it for a few days, but it freaked me out. I have a big personality and I get a lot of attention, but a lot of male attention freaks me out. You have all these men winking and sending emails. It just got too overwhelming for me. I had to get off the site, plus I think someone stole my credit card number from the site. Jackass booked a hotel room in Italy! I was not happy when I found that charge. I don't like websites that make you store your card information! It makes it easy for hackers to get your information.
I did go natural. I was chemical free for about a year and a half! I recently put a mild texturizer in so I can have a little more control over my hair. I went to you NYC and got a horrible haircut at a salon which is supposedly known worldwide for specializing in natural hair. They have their own hair products and everything. I have never left a salon in tears. I don't know what upset me more. The horrible hair cut or the $450 price tag plus tip. I was really not a happy girl with that whole experience. I love the freedom of my hair. I can literally wash and go. It's truly liberating! I can add a flower, a headband, or nothing at all. It's great!
I rocked the natural for New Year's Eve! My hair was really big though! I had a beautiful lavender rose pinned to one side and my makeup was hooked up! I did quite a nice job. I went out for NYE in Philly. I almost backed out. AT wanted me to go out in her city, but she just doesn't know how to behave. I almost stayed home, but I had already canceled on her a few times, plus I didn't want to stay in. I made the trek to Philly. I actually have to tell her that she couldn't drink like she normally does. I really believe she has a drinking problem. She will drink a bottle of wine by herself on a Tuesday. That's not normal or healthy.
We make our way out. We drove into the city. It was warmer than normal. About 45/50 degrees out. We started at Continental. Really good food and some great drinks. So a very attractive man and his wife, but he lost man card points because he was ordering candy colored martinis and kept saying he loved fruity drinks. I didn't help his case when I kept staring at how good of a job his esthetician did waxing his eyebrows. One of the security guys comes up and give me a compliment. As I said I had the big hair! I wore a strapless black top and some slacks with some 5 inch boots. I looked good. And that's when the bad part of the night started. AT got pissed off because I was getting hit on and she was not. I was just sitting there minding my business and because he came to, it was a problem. It would get much worse!
Mind you, I dressed that heffa! Her wardrobe is horrible. I found a cute outfit, gave her a pair of earrings, and did her makeup. I did everything in my power to make her look good, but she's shaped up like spongebob. She's got a square torso, not butt, and skinny legs. I did the best I could with what I had to work with. I may need to lose some weight, but I am grateful for my shape! It was a nightmare trying to find an outfit for her. Her boobs are even strange looking. We leave Continental and go to Red Rooster. I love Red Rooster. I always seem to end up there when I am in Philly. No idea why. We walk in and sit at the bar and begin scoping out the groceries. There was a group of guys there with a girl. You could tell she was with this one guy. They looked very much a couple, but there was 3 other guys with them. When we sat down, I scoped the room. I locked eyes with a white guy with short brown hair. He had on a white shirt long sleeve dress shirt and jeans. He did a double take when he saw me and then looked down at his phone. I gave him a smile. AT asked me who I would go for. I said the guy in the white shirt. She asked why and I said I really don't know. There was just something about him.
So I start up a conversation with 2 of the guys in the crew, the married guy and a guy from Montreal. I asked if the guy at the previous bar loses man points for ordering fruity drinks. Here comes Mr. White Shirt asking what we are discussing. The other guys tell me to ask him because he is the manliest one of them all. He agrees with me that the guy should lose his man card for his choice in cocktail. Call me crazy but I think a man should have a manly drink which lead me to ask Mr. White Shirt what he was drinking. Johnny Walker Black with a splash of ginger. That's a man's drink baby! Our conversation went from there. They were all in town for the Winter Classic. They worked for the NY team that was playing in the hockey game. Mr. White Shirt was producing the event. He was the boss of most of them. I love a man in charge. Something sexy about a man that can give orders and knows what he's talking about! A man in control is very sexy to me. This man cooks, he likes to garden. I was ready to orgasm just thinking about it. He's originally from Vancouver. He's been in NYC for 16 years. He's very good at his job which is also very sexy.
He was a gentleman the entire night, but the way he would look at me. Have mercy! He would look at me as if to say "if I could get you home with me, you would be mine." I thought he was going to devour me the entire night. He never made me feel uncomfortable. He never tried to pressure me, but if I would have gone to his room, I would have been his, but I didn't go. He never asked. We hung out all night. AT kept trying to hit on him and get him to stop dealing with me. Yes, this is the same girl who thinks I should only get the black guy in the bar. I always pull the white guy and it just irritates her, but this time she went to far. Not only did she keep hitting on him. She kept trying to get him to look at other women. He handled her so well that I didn't have to do anything. He let her know in no uncertain terms that he was interested only in me. And I had his attention for the entire night. He paid for our drinks and wanted us to hang out with them the rest of the night.
We leave Red Rooster to go to the hotel bar. We all walked to the hotel, but the bar was closed. I waited for the one guy's wife to get out of the bathroom. Her husband and I were waiting for her in the lobby. Here comes Mr. White Shirt. He thought he had lost me. He didn't realize I was still back at the hotel. He came all the way back to find me and low and behold, AT came back with him. She was supposed to be showing the rest how to get to the next bar we were going to but because he came back, she came back. He grabs my hand and holds my hand for the rest of the night. We walk to the bar together. I can't remember the name of the bar, but we couldn't move. It was packed. All of us end up sitting outside. We sat next to each other. Touching each lightly and talking. At the end of the night, I was leaving to catch a cab with AT. We hugged and I kissed his cheek but he turned his lips to mine. I was walking away and he grabbed my hand and pulled me back to kiss me again! It was great! But I had to leave. He had to work at 9 am and it was already 3 am. I texted him when I got back to the cab. And she went off. "I can't believe you kissed him. He has a girlfriend." I asked her how she knew that and she said it was because he told her and showed her a pic. Now, wouldn't you have given me a heads up on that before we left the first bar? And why would you be hitting on someone who told you he had a girlfriend?
To answer all of that. I don't think he had a girlfriend. He was taking pics of me on his cell phone the whole night. My shoulders my face my body. If he had a girlfriend and she found those pics, that would be his ass. If he just wanted the hook up, he could have asked me back to his room, had his way with me and never speak to me again. But that's not what happened. She was so pissed that I found everything that she always looks for. He's successful, the right age, 39, cooks, and knows who he is. He's everything she wanted but he wanted me. I saw the absolute ugliest side of her that weekend. Every text message I received from anyone she had a comment about. It was exhausting. I had to let her go. I can't be friends with someone who doesn't want me to be happy for any reason. She actually said she envies me. Envy is dangerous and it can lead to hatred. She had to go. She really needs to deal with her personal issues and stop trying to c block me.
Mr. White Shirt. We've had some text messages here or there, but he lives in NYC. He's got a great job but it's crazy and it's the end of the season and they are going to make the playoffs. I don't think it's the right time for us. I will be honest. I would love to get to know him and see what would happen. I have no problems moving to NYC. I would never ask him to give up his job and move to DC. He has a dream job in one of the best markets in the world. I wouldn't give it up. There was just something about him. He wasn't tall. Maybe my height. He wasn't the hottest guy I ever met. He's got that crazy Canadian accent. He just had this intensity that drew me in. He would just stare directly at me. Right in my eyes, he never wavered. He wasn't intimidated by me and I was intimidated by him. He did finally grab my ass. He waited longer than most men. But he just grabbed a cheek and let it go. He wasn't rubbing on me in an inappropriate way at all at any point that night. He protected me, he held me, he took care of me. It was all too comfortable, but it was really nice!
I would love to meet someone who I seem to click with very quickly. Not too easily though. If it appears to be too good to be true, I believe it's not true. I think you have to have flaws. The relationship has to have some flaws. It can't be too easy but it shouldn't be too hard either. I think he had the right mix of what I'm looking for. He's just in the wrong city and too busy which makes it hard to figure out if we could make anything out of it.
I can say this, it was one of the best nights of my life because of him.
That's enough for today. I need to write more as my therapy. I feel better when I write, but I need to be honest with my writing. Lets see if I can keep it up!
Kiwi
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Broken Promises. New Resolutions
I created this blog to talk about my adventures and then suddenly disappeared. I didn't stop having adventures. I had quite a few which I will fill you in on later. I just got lazy. I stopped taking care of myself and this blog was created to remind me to be good to myself. Well, I have decided, it's time to feel better.
I decided to take my health seriously. I don't want to be on blood pressure medication and with my family history, I have to be really careful with my health. I decided I no longer wanted to deal with extensions. I was tired of creating a persona based on my hairstyle. I decided to stop letting drama lead my life. I decided it was time for change and what a change it has been.
In March, I discovered my job was possibly going to be in jeopardy. The product I sold was no longer going to be valid due to new health care legislation. Initially, I was panicked. I had no idea what I wanted to do. As much as I loved my boss, I couldn't live the lie they wanted me to convey to my consultants and clients in my region. I was chastised, told I wasn't a team player, that I was being negative, and that I needed to get on board with what was being asked of me. I struggled with this. Deep down inside, I didn't want to be the sales rep who had a reputation in my marketplace as doing anything to close deal even if it meant recommending a product or service which could very possibly be irrelevant in a year. I stood my ground even though it severely stressed me out, but I had to live with my own conscience. I tried to stay with the company I had worked for the 8.5 years, but in the end, a head hunter stole me away to another company. Job fear solved.
I had the most amazing vacation with my parents in June. I went to the PGA US Open at Pebble Beach. I was the envy of every man I knew. I spent an amazing week with my mother and father. I learned so much about the game of golf. The challenges of it. Its intensity. I have a new found respect for the game. But I also learned how much fun my parents are. I really truly can hang out with my mom and dad. They make laugh. They comfort me when I see no hope. They remind me of who I am. And I always cherish the 10 days I spent them in California and Arizona.
While I was with my parents, I decided I was done with wearing hair extensions. Yes, men found them sexy, but why should I alter my natural beauty to please someone who only wants me for the superficial. I took my extensions and I went natural. Can I just tell you that it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. It was a work in progress for awhile. I have always had a chemical or some type of straightening in my hair since I was a child. I did not know how to style my hair, how to moisturize it, how to treat it. I was completely lost. But I learned. Thank God for YouTube and blogs and websites with information on how to transition from chemically treated hair to natural hair. I love that I can wake up in the morning, shower, wash my hair, condition it, and walk out the door. My hair has the most beautiful tightly coiled ringlets which develop when my hair is wet. I just let it air dry and keep on moving. No more flat ironing or curling or anything. It's amazing how much easier my morning routine is. It allows to showcase my natural beauty. I've even adjusted my makeup. Now, I'm just adorable as opposed to a diva, and I love it. I don't need dramatic makeup. My whole look makes a statement that I am comfortable with my full lips, my cheekbones, my almond eyes, and my tightly curled hair. For the first time in years, I am just happy to be me with no artificial coloring or fillers.
I started working out with a personal trainer and taking a weekly Pilates Reformer class. I walk or run on the treadmill. I lift weights and do strength trainer. I love it. It helps me destress and focus. I can clear my mind and get rid of all the drama of the day. I can fight back at all the people who are trying to pull me down. Exercise has become one of my favorite things. Sometimes I run to keep everything out of my mind. I just want to focus and run as hard as I can to get away from the negativity. I discovered this year that I have a lot of people in my life who do not care about my well being or helping me do what is in my best interest. They want me to be miserable like them. I refuse to let them pull me down. I run away from it. I lift weights to conquer it. And I hold my planks in defiance. I don't weigh myself, but my clothes are fitting better. My health is better. I feel better about myself. I get stronger with every work out mentally and physically. It's one of the best decisions I ever made. There are days I don't want to go to the gym. I just want to sit on my couch and watch tv. But I remember how I feel once I'm done. I put my shoes on and go workout. I will admit. The Pilates class is kicking my ass. I am so sore sometimes, but I can do amazing things with my body I could never do before.
I also got a new apartment and I love it!!!! I miss my old neighbors. I lived around a great set of people. I miss my city. I had to move out of DC. I now live in Arlington. I'm a little torn. DC has such an energy to it. It's always got something going on. It's super diverse and eclectic. The city has it's own beauty. Arlington is completely different. It's preppy, somewhat frat boy kind of town. I have gone out in Arlington a few times. It's just has a different energy, but it's still fun in its own way. DC is only 10 minutes away. Still close enough to cause mayhem. I needed to get away from my landlord and his trifling ways. If you are going to rent out an apartment, hire someone to take care of it. I should not be killing bugs and spiders every day. My floor shouldn't be sloped to the right. The doors should fit the door frame and not have so many spaces I can see outside. It was time to move. They are trying to screw me out of my deposit, but I have no problem filing a complaint with the Housing Authority.
After saying all of this, what adventures have I had? Lots. Let's see in April, in the freezing cold, I assisted in taking a Soca singer on a midnight tour of DC. We went to see all of the sites of DC. We finished at 5 in the morning. While we were out, we got a little hungry and made our way to Rogue States in Dupont Circle.YUMMY!!! The burgers were juicy and the sweet potato fries were crispy and delicious. The place is open until 5 am!! What could be better after a night of drinking and partying? I love this place. I went to Philly for 4th of July and had some amazing food. I always have good food in the city of Brotherly Love. We went to Alma de Cuba. The food was fantastic! The service was amazing and ambiance was sexy. Sadly I wasn't there on a date, but it was still a good night. I also went to a free concert in the park with Chrisette Michelle, Chuck Brown, The Roots, and the Goo Goo Dolls. It was such a good time. There were so many people there, but every one was having a good time.
I love happy hour at Ceiba! It's is one of the best places in DC for happy hour. $5 drinks and half price menu. The bartenders are wonderful. They are attentive, friendly, and helpful. They help you make informed choices on the menu for food and drink. And they have 2 happy hours. The first happy hour is from 3-6 and the 9:30 to close. AWESOME!!! I have a great time every time I go. The Greek Spot and Chix are two of my favorite "cheap eats" in DC. The food is excellent and the prices are incredible. Chix is all organic food and biodegradable products for take out. Their charbroiled chicken is a thing of beauty. The Greek Spot is so small you can't really sit inside, but they make some of the best Greek food I have ever had. My favorite sandwich spot is Taylor Gourmet. I wish they had a location in Arlington. They are putting one in Bethesda which is not far from my new office. They have a sandwich made with grilled chicken, broccoli rabe and sharp provolone cheese that I just absolutely devour every time I order it. It has so much flavor. It's juicy, it's spicy, it's delicious!
For my comfort food, I love going to Horace & Dickeys for fried fish. I eat no one's tartar sauce but theirs. There is always a line out the door, but the food is consistently good, fresh, and flavorful. My favorite cupcake place is Baked and Wired. I know every one is up in arms over Georgetown Cupcake. I like GC. I think their cupcakes are amazing, but I love Baked and Wired. I have had the best cupcakes there. They also have pies, cakes and cookies. It's in a great location and in a great space. And their coffee is good too.
My new challenge? To discover Arlington. I have all my favorites in DC. I need to find new favorites in Arlington. That's my new mission. My new adventure.
I decided to take my health seriously. I don't want to be on blood pressure medication and with my family history, I have to be really careful with my health. I decided I no longer wanted to deal with extensions. I was tired of creating a persona based on my hairstyle. I decided to stop letting drama lead my life. I decided it was time for change and what a change it has been.
In March, I discovered my job was possibly going to be in jeopardy. The product I sold was no longer going to be valid due to new health care legislation. Initially, I was panicked. I had no idea what I wanted to do. As much as I loved my boss, I couldn't live the lie they wanted me to convey to my consultants and clients in my region. I was chastised, told I wasn't a team player, that I was being negative, and that I needed to get on board with what was being asked of me. I struggled with this. Deep down inside, I didn't want to be the sales rep who had a reputation in my marketplace as doing anything to close deal even if it meant recommending a product or service which could very possibly be irrelevant in a year. I stood my ground even though it severely stressed me out, but I had to live with my own conscience. I tried to stay with the company I had worked for the 8.5 years, but in the end, a head hunter stole me away to another company. Job fear solved.
I had the most amazing vacation with my parents in June. I went to the PGA US Open at Pebble Beach. I was the envy of every man I knew. I spent an amazing week with my mother and father. I learned so much about the game of golf. The challenges of it. Its intensity. I have a new found respect for the game. But I also learned how much fun my parents are. I really truly can hang out with my mom and dad. They make laugh. They comfort me when I see no hope. They remind me of who I am. And I always cherish the 10 days I spent them in California and Arizona.
While I was with my parents, I decided I was done with wearing hair extensions. Yes, men found them sexy, but why should I alter my natural beauty to please someone who only wants me for the superficial. I took my extensions and I went natural. Can I just tell you that it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. It was a work in progress for awhile. I have always had a chemical or some type of straightening in my hair since I was a child. I did not know how to style my hair, how to moisturize it, how to treat it. I was completely lost. But I learned. Thank God for YouTube and blogs and websites with information on how to transition from chemically treated hair to natural hair. I love that I can wake up in the morning, shower, wash my hair, condition it, and walk out the door. My hair has the most beautiful tightly coiled ringlets which develop when my hair is wet. I just let it air dry and keep on moving. No more flat ironing or curling or anything. It's amazing how much easier my morning routine is. It allows to showcase my natural beauty. I've even adjusted my makeup. Now, I'm just adorable as opposed to a diva, and I love it. I don't need dramatic makeup. My whole look makes a statement that I am comfortable with my full lips, my cheekbones, my almond eyes, and my tightly curled hair. For the first time in years, I am just happy to be me with no artificial coloring or fillers.
I started working out with a personal trainer and taking a weekly Pilates Reformer class. I walk or run on the treadmill. I lift weights and do strength trainer. I love it. It helps me destress and focus. I can clear my mind and get rid of all the drama of the day. I can fight back at all the people who are trying to pull me down. Exercise has become one of my favorite things. Sometimes I run to keep everything out of my mind. I just want to focus and run as hard as I can to get away from the negativity. I discovered this year that I have a lot of people in my life who do not care about my well being or helping me do what is in my best interest. They want me to be miserable like them. I refuse to let them pull me down. I run away from it. I lift weights to conquer it. And I hold my planks in defiance. I don't weigh myself, but my clothes are fitting better. My health is better. I feel better about myself. I get stronger with every work out mentally and physically. It's one of the best decisions I ever made. There are days I don't want to go to the gym. I just want to sit on my couch and watch tv. But I remember how I feel once I'm done. I put my shoes on and go workout. I will admit. The Pilates class is kicking my ass. I am so sore sometimes, but I can do amazing things with my body I could never do before.
I also got a new apartment and I love it!!!! I miss my old neighbors. I lived around a great set of people. I miss my city. I had to move out of DC. I now live in Arlington. I'm a little torn. DC has such an energy to it. It's always got something going on. It's super diverse and eclectic. The city has it's own beauty. Arlington is completely different. It's preppy, somewhat frat boy kind of town. I have gone out in Arlington a few times. It's just has a different energy, but it's still fun in its own way. DC is only 10 minutes away. Still close enough to cause mayhem. I needed to get away from my landlord and his trifling ways. If you are going to rent out an apartment, hire someone to take care of it. I should not be killing bugs and spiders every day. My floor shouldn't be sloped to the right. The doors should fit the door frame and not have so many spaces I can see outside. It was time to move. They are trying to screw me out of my deposit, but I have no problem filing a complaint with the Housing Authority.
After saying all of this, what adventures have I had? Lots. Let's see in April, in the freezing cold, I assisted in taking a Soca singer on a midnight tour of DC. We went to see all of the sites of DC. We finished at 5 in the morning. While we were out, we got a little hungry and made our way to Rogue States in Dupont Circle.YUMMY!!! The burgers were juicy and the sweet potato fries were crispy and delicious. The place is open until 5 am!! What could be better after a night of drinking and partying? I love this place. I went to Philly for 4th of July and had some amazing food. I always have good food in the city of Brotherly Love. We went to Alma de Cuba. The food was fantastic! The service was amazing and ambiance was sexy. Sadly I wasn't there on a date, but it was still a good night. I also went to a free concert in the park with Chrisette Michelle, Chuck Brown, The Roots, and the Goo Goo Dolls. It was such a good time. There were so many people there, but every one was having a good time.
I love happy hour at Ceiba! It's is one of the best places in DC for happy hour. $5 drinks and half price menu. The bartenders are wonderful. They are attentive, friendly, and helpful. They help you make informed choices on the menu for food and drink. And they have 2 happy hours. The first happy hour is from 3-6 and the 9:30 to close. AWESOME!!! I have a great time every time I go. The Greek Spot and Chix are two of my favorite "cheap eats" in DC. The food is excellent and the prices are incredible. Chix is all organic food and biodegradable products for take out. Their charbroiled chicken is a thing of beauty. The Greek Spot is so small you can't really sit inside, but they make some of the best Greek food I have ever had. My favorite sandwich spot is Taylor Gourmet. I wish they had a location in Arlington. They are putting one in Bethesda which is not far from my new office. They have a sandwich made with grilled chicken, broccoli rabe and sharp provolone cheese that I just absolutely devour every time I order it. It has so much flavor. It's juicy, it's spicy, it's delicious!
For my comfort food, I love going to Horace & Dickeys for fried fish. I eat no one's tartar sauce but theirs. There is always a line out the door, but the food is consistently good, fresh, and flavorful. My favorite cupcake place is Baked and Wired. I know every one is up in arms over Georgetown Cupcake. I like GC. I think their cupcakes are amazing, but I love Baked and Wired. I have had the best cupcakes there. They also have pies, cakes and cookies. It's in a great location and in a great space. And their coffee is good too.
My new challenge? To discover Arlington. I have all my favorites in DC. I need to find new favorites in Arlington. That's my new mission. My new adventure.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It's been a long time and there has been much much drama!
So I have already broken my New Year's Resolutions. I have lost some weight. I still have a ways to go. But I stopped writing down what was going on in my life and I haven't been keeping up with new adventures. There has been numerous reasons for this lack of weekend journeys. The entire month of February was a loss. We had a massive snowstorm in DC. In less than a week, we had 4 ft of snow. The city was at a stand still. And this, Southern and Southwestern raised girl did not know what to do with herself. Suffice to say, I survived my first nasty snowstorm and blizzard with flying colors. My power bill is kicking my ass, but I was nice and warm on the inside.
My upstairs neighbors decided to have a party which is fine. The fact they decided to act like they were in a frat house and not in an apartment made things a little complicated. You know it's bad when it's 20 degrees outside and I run upstairs with no shoes, no bra, a tank top and some jeans on to tell them to shut the hell up. Now they are a little salty with me and have been trying to avoid me but I really don't care. These women are in the mid to late 20s, well educated. Can you act well educated instead of acting like trash? Rich kids kill me with their entitlement issues and catty ways. It's hilarious how they think I care for some reason.
Even with all the drama, there have been a few adventures. I went to see Chrisette Michele and Laura Izibor at the 9:30 Club. It's a great musical venue. It's a small club. Great sound and everyone really has a good view. You have to stand the entire concert, but it was well worth it. Laura Izibor is an amazing musician. She's very talented. Her music really moves you and makes you feel warm and wonderful at the same time. Chrisette Michele is a genius! Her voice is beautiful. She sings with passion and heart. Truly this concert was some of the best money I ever spent. I met some really great people at the show. These three ladies kept me company cause I was at the concert alone. I had a fantastic time. Corrinne Bailey Rae is coming to the 9:30 Club in May. I have to make sure I get my tickets for that show as well.
Valentines Days was very interesting. I went to Georgetown Cupcake with AT. Neither one of us had a date so we decided to grab some cupcakes, walk around Georgetown and get some dinner. The cupcakes are really good. They are very decadent and delicious. Then we decided to get some dinner at Pizzeria Paradiso. They have a fantastic menu at really good prices. Everything was fine until I think I caught my friend's long distance boy toy with another woman at dinner. Now, I guess I should clarify, they are not in a relationship. They have been keeping in contact with each other since she came to visit me in August of last year. It's nothing serious, but he has been telling her that he is on some special military assignment and out of the country. I am not good with names, but I am damn good with faces and I swear it was him. He was short like him. He had similar mannerisms. I could be completely wrong and I hope for her sake, especially since she is flying out here next month and staying with him for a weekend, he is where he says he is. I am always skeptical of any man who says he has to monitor his conversations because he's not speaking on a secure line. Supposedly he is a pilot. Unless they spitting orders to him through a cell phone which wouldn't work on a fighter plane, why would a secure line matter? I'm just saying. It's a little suspicious. She needs some sex and she is willing to fly out here to get it. More power to her.
Now here comes the drama. I never go out for St. Patty's day. I'm not sure why I haven't done it in the past. I think it is because I lived in areas where you had to drive to get anywhere. Now that I live in a city where cabs and the metro are easily accessible, why not? I go out with AT and man what a night we had. AT is desperately seeking Mr. Right. When I say desperately seeking, I really am not joking. She is on a mission to find a guy and is willing to do it by any means necessary. She has all these qualifications a guy has to meet. He has to be white which is understandable. She wants to date her own kind. He has to be successful, make more money than her, ambitious, considerate, funny, the right body type, the right height, shower her with attention. Basically if he is not as perfect as baby Jesus, he needs not apply. I don't think my qualifications are even that bad. I would love for him to be tall, good personality, decent job, driven, passionate about something, smart, funny, and no drama. The no drama is the most important. If he's got drama, his ass is being kicked to the curb.
Back to St. Patty's day and AT's man hunt. So we decide to go to Arlington. In my mind, Arlington is perfect for her. There are plenty of men between 35-40 who are white and successful. We should hit the jackpot there. We go to Liberty Tavern. I have been to Liberty Tavern a few times. It's a nice place. People are friendly. Would I go every week? No, it's not really my scene, but it's fun once in awhile. I decided to play wing man for her. We scope out to see what's in the house. It always cracks me up how some very ignorant white women assume that since I am a black woman, no white men are going to hit on me and I am only going to get attention from the black men. They always search out the black men at a predominantly white bar and tell me he's the one I should be checking out. Right now, I'm starting to question if I should even hang out with AT. A man is a man. Color doesn't matter to me. You can be an asshole in any race.
So we scope out some guys, I make an approach. All the men were really comfortable talking to me. She's a little socially awkward and when she drinks she gets much worse. And the more she drank throughout the night, the worse she got. Initially, she would hold conversation like a normal person. Asking them about their careers and what they like to do for fun. After an hour or so and she wasn't getting any bites, the normal probative questions turned more into the sayings of a desperate woman. We sit and order some dinner. The table behind us had some married men who were in town for a meeting. One of them went to University of Arizona. Since I went to Arizona State, the smack talk started. I was content to hang out with the married guys. I had nothing to worry about. They all loved their wives. I had no desire to hook up and she had been striking out all night. It was a nice safe table. She starts hitting on the married men until they tell her they are married. Then she decides to go hit on this other guy who is smoking outside. She admitted she didn't think this guy was attractive, but figured since he wasn't attractive, he should definitely want her. Not sure what happened there, but he eventually ran away from her.
She comes back inside and two nice looking late 20s white gentlemen sit down. She had found her Mr. Right. Or so she thought. He was about 6'2". Blond hair blue eyes. He looked successful. He was a very handsome man. She proceeds to set her sights on him and start to go to work. She needs my help to take care of the friend. So I start conversation with the friend. Very nice guy, not my cup of tea, but great guy. I would set him up with a friend. He tells me I smell good. He tells his friend to smell me. It happens frequently. My signature scent is quite magnificent. As I am talking to the friend, she disappears. The guy she was talking to proceeds to tell me that he has pissed her off. He tells me that he told her that her breath was funky and she couldn't come back and talk to him until she smelled as good as me. He was a jackass. She was hurt, but do you think that stopped her? No!!! We got to another bar and she hits on every guy she sees. They all turned her down. She offended the cab driver that drove us back to my car. Let's just say. It was not my best night out.
Now, I try to be an understanding person, but I have serious issues with needy and desperate women. Yes, what he said was hurtful, but she needs to let it go and move on. She went between crying about it, to trying to get any guy, back to crying about it. I felt sorry for her until she said the only reason it hurt was because the guy was good looking. Like if an ugly guy had said it, it wouldn't make a difference. That's kind of her attitude though which is horrible. I had no problems attracting men all night. I didn't hook up with anyone nor was that my intent. I went out to have a good time. Men were running from her because she started throwing herself at them. They were so turned off. I don't know how she usually gets guys but her devices were not working on St. Patty's day. If I ever get like that, please pop a cap in my ass and put me out of my misery.
Like I said, DRAMA!!!
On a side note, Big Sexy is still sexy as ever and I am still frightened to ask him out. Although, I think I figured out that he is actually interested in me. I screwed up the perfect opportunity to get some alone time with him, but I need to come up with a plan to overcome my mistake. He seems like geniunely is interested. He is extremely honest with me. He doesn't try to snow me with lines and game like most men do. He never looks at me disrespectfully or undresses with his eyes. He always conducts himself like a gentlemen around me. The only issue I have is he keeps playing with his necklace when I talk to him. One guy thinks he does it because I make him nervous. All I know is every time he plays with it, he has to open his shirt and I see man fur and man boob. Don't get me wrong. It's really nice fur and man boob, but unless he's going to let me touch it, he really needs to stop. It's driving me insane cause all I can think of is helping him out of his shirt. He is doing this not shaving thing which is really hot and he's letting his hair grow a bit. I didn't think he could get any hotter, but I guess I was wrong. Have mercy!! When he talking about his job, it's the most sexiest thing in the world!!!!! He knows his stuff which is such a turn on. He has no idea how much he gets to me. Let's just hope he will forgive me for my stupidity a couple of weeks ago.
Enough for today. I had two months to catch up on. I am taking my extensions out next weekend and going natural. I am going to get it pressed and curl. I just don't think I can go back to chemicals any time soon. So done with that.
Kiwi
My upstairs neighbors decided to have a party which is fine. The fact they decided to act like they were in a frat house and not in an apartment made things a little complicated. You know it's bad when it's 20 degrees outside and I run upstairs with no shoes, no bra, a tank top and some jeans on to tell them to shut the hell up. Now they are a little salty with me and have been trying to avoid me but I really don't care. These women are in the mid to late 20s, well educated. Can you act well educated instead of acting like trash? Rich kids kill me with their entitlement issues and catty ways. It's hilarious how they think I care for some reason.
Even with all the drama, there have been a few adventures. I went to see Chrisette Michele and Laura Izibor at the 9:30 Club. It's a great musical venue. It's a small club. Great sound and everyone really has a good view. You have to stand the entire concert, but it was well worth it. Laura Izibor is an amazing musician. She's very talented. Her music really moves you and makes you feel warm and wonderful at the same time. Chrisette Michele is a genius! Her voice is beautiful. She sings with passion and heart. Truly this concert was some of the best money I ever spent. I met some really great people at the show. These three ladies kept me company cause I was at the concert alone. I had a fantastic time. Corrinne Bailey Rae is coming to the 9:30 Club in May. I have to make sure I get my tickets for that show as well.
Valentines Days was very interesting. I went to Georgetown Cupcake with AT. Neither one of us had a date so we decided to grab some cupcakes, walk around Georgetown and get some dinner. The cupcakes are really good. They are very decadent and delicious. Then we decided to get some dinner at Pizzeria Paradiso. They have a fantastic menu at really good prices. Everything was fine until I think I caught my friend's long distance boy toy with another woman at dinner. Now, I guess I should clarify, they are not in a relationship. They have been keeping in contact with each other since she came to visit me in August of last year. It's nothing serious, but he has been telling her that he is on some special military assignment and out of the country. I am not good with names, but I am damn good with faces and I swear it was him. He was short like him. He had similar mannerisms. I could be completely wrong and I hope for her sake, especially since she is flying out here next month and staying with him for a weekend, he is where he says he is. I am always skeptical of any man who says he has to monitor his conversations because he's not speaking on a secure line. Supposedly he is a pilot. Unless they spitting orders to him through a cell phone which wouldn't work on a fighter plane, why would a secure line matter? I'm just saying. It's a little suspicious. She needs some sex and she is willing to fly out here to get it. More power to her.
Now here comes the drama. I never go out for St. Patty's day. I'm not sure why I haven't done it in the past. I think it is because I lived in areas where you had to drive to get anywhere. Now that I live in a city where cabs and the metro are easily accessible, why not? I go out with AT and man what a night we had. AT is desperately seeking Mr. Right. When I say desperately seeking, I really am not joking. She is on a mission to find a guy and is willing to do it by any means necessary. She has all these qualifications a guy has to meet. He has to be white which is understandable. She wants to date her own kind. He has to be successful, make more money than her, ambitious, considerate, funny, the right body type, the right height, shower her with attention. Basically if he is not as perfect as baby Jesus, he needs not apply. I don't think my qualifications are even that bad. I would love for him to be tall, good personality, decent job, driven, passionate about something, smart, funny, and no drama. The no drama is the most important. If he's got drama, his ass is being kicked to the curb.
Back to St. Patty's day and AT's man hunt. So we decide to go to Arlington. In my mind, Arlington is perfect for her. There are plenty of men between 35-40 who are white and successful. We should hit the jackpot there. We go to Liberty Tavern. I have been to Liberty Tavern a few times. It's a nice place. People are friendly. Would I go every week? No, it's not really my scene, but it's fun once in awhile. I decided to play wing man for her. We scope out to see what's in the house. It always cracks me up how some very ignorant white women assume that since I am a black woman, no white men are going to hit on me and I am only going to get attention from the black men. They always search out the black men at a predominantly white bar and tell me he's the one I should be checking out. Right now, I'm starting to question if I should even hang out with AT. A man is a man. Color doesn't matter to me. You can be an asshole in any race.
So we scope out some guys, I make an approach. All the men were really comfortable talking to me. She's a little socially awkward and when she drinks she gets much worse. And the more she drank throughout the night, the worse she got. Initially, she would hold conversation like a normal person. Asking them about their careers and what they like to do for fun. After an hour or so and she wasn't getting any bites, the normal probative questions turned more into the sayings of a desperate woman. We sit and order some dinner. The table behind us had some married men who were in town for a meeting. One of them went to University of Arizona. Since I went to Arizona State, the smack talk started. I was content to hang out with the married guys. I had nothing to worry about. They all loved their wives. I had no desire to hook up and she had been striking out all night. It was a nice safe table. She starts hitting on the married men until they tell her they are married. Then she decides to go hit on this other guy who is smoking outside. She admitted she didn't think this guy was attractive, but figured since he wasn't attractive, he should definitely want her. Not sure what happened there, but he eventually ran away from her.
She comes back inside and two nice looking late 20s white gentlemen sit down. She had found her Mr. Right. Or so she thought. He was about 6'2". Blond hair blue eyes. He looked successful. He was a very handsome man. She proceeds to set her sights on him and start to go to work. She needs my help to take care of the friend. So I start conversation with the friend. Very nice guy, not my cup of tea, but great guy. I would set him up with a friend. He tells me I smell good. He tells his friend to smell me. It happens frequently. My signature scent is quite magnificent. As I am talking to the friend, she disappears. The guy she was talking to proceeds to tell me that he has pissed her off. He tells me that he told her that her breath was funky and she couldn't come back and talk to him until she smelled as good as me. He was a jackass. She was hurt, but do you think that stopped her? No!!! We got to another bar and she hits on every guy she sees. They all turned her down. She offended the cab driver that drove us back to my car. Let's just say. It was not my best night out.
Now, I try to be an understanding person, but I have serious issues with needy and desperate women. Yes, what he said was hurtful, but she needs to let it go and move on. She went between crying about it, to trying to get any guy, back to crying about it. I felt sorry for her until she said the only reason it hurt was because the guy was good looking. Like if an ugly guy had said it, it wouldn't make a difference. That's kind of her attitude though which is horrible. I had no problems attracting men all night. I didn't hook up with anyone nor was that my intent. I went out to have a good time. Men were running from her because she started throwing herself at them. They were so turned off. I don't know how she usually gets guys but her devices were not working on St. Patty's day. If I ever get like that, please pop a cap in my ass and put me out of my misery.
Like I said, DRAMA!!!
On a side note, Big Sexy is still sexy as ever and I am still frightened to ask him out. Although, I think I figured out that he is actually interested in me. I screwed up the perfect opportunity to get some alone time with him, but I need to come up with a plan to overcome my mistake. He seems like geniunely is interested. He is extremely honest with me. He doesn't try to snow me with lines and game like most men do. He never looks at me disrespectfully or undresses with his eyes. He always conducts himself like a gentlemen around me. The only issue I have is he keeps playing with his necklace when I talk to him. One guy thinks he does it because I make him nervous. All I know is every time he plays with it, he has to open his shirt and I see man fur and man boob. Don't get me wrong. It's really nice fur and man boob, but unless he's going to let me touch it, he really needs to stop. It's driving me insane cause all I can think of is helping him out of his shirt. He is doing this not shaving thing which is really hot and he's letting his hair grow a bit. I didn't think he could get any hotter, but I guess I was wrong. Have mercy!! When he talking about his job, it's the most sexiest thing in the world!!!!! He knows his stuff which is such a turn on. He has no idea how much he gets to me. Let's just hope he will forgive me for my stupidity a couple of weeks ago.
Enough for today. I had two months to catch up on. I am taking my extensions out next weekend and going natural. I am going to get it pressed and curl. I just don't think I can go back to chemicals any time soon. So done with that.
Kiwi
Monday, January 25, 2010
I Did the Unthinkable and Liked It
Last week was rough. I was really struggling. I cried for a few days, but on Thursday, I decided I needed to do something to take my mind off of things. I made an appointment at Bliss Spa at the W Hotel (my favorite place to go lately) to get a Brazilian wax and a Pedi-Colada pedicure. I was scared out of my mind to get the Brazilian. I have heard horror stories from women about the pain. For some crazy reason, I just had to have this procedure done. I had to prove to myself I was strong enough to endure it. If I could endure the Brazilian, I could conquer any obstacle. It's really idiotic to think that this wax had some significant meaning, I know. I needed something to pull me out of my funk.
So off to the spa I go on the same day as the Right to Life March on Washington. I am on the subway with all these people saying abortion is wrong and pictures of babies. All I could think of was, why are we all so obsessed with what goes in and out of a vagina?
For woman, we are used to it. We have lived with our vaginas since birth. We learned what it was for when we got older. Our vaginas can bring pleasure, pain and satisfaction. We go to the gyno every year to make sure our vaginas are healthy. We get our nether regions groomed for personal reasons or to be more presentable to the opposite or same sex. It's what we do.
Men, on the other hand, will do whatever it takes to get into our vaginas. I have heard the craziest pick up lines and have had the dumbest stuff said to me. One idiot, last Labor Day weekend, was with me at the same house party. He seemed nice enough. I met him through a mutual friend. I had seen him repeatedly. Usually he was an ass to me. I thought he hated me. Everyone had a couple of cocktails. He strikes up a conversation with me. He immediately tells me he wants to sleep with me. Now, I have never had a one night stand and at 33, I have no desire to ever have one. I would not want to see this guy for more than one date. I already know it's not going to happen, so I tell him, thanks but no thanks. He didn't take me seriously, and proceeded to tell me I want a guy like him because he's a freak. Now, I'm curious. The term 'freak' is thrown out there quite a bit. Every one says they are freaky now. It's the 'in' thing. I ask, like an idiot, what being a freak means. This man has the nerve to say that he will lick my asshole to which my immediate response was, "Why would you do that, and tell me you would do that?" Our conversation didn't last much longer. True to form, I went home alone and I have not seen or spoken to him since.
When I was Philly two weeks ago, I needed to eat some dinner. It was late. I just wanted to have a Cosmo and a burger. I went to Red Rooster in downtown Philly. I'm sitting at the bar minding my own business. I met some really nice people. This one young man, who was 23, decides he wants to be my special friend for the evening. As a woman who travels alone, men want to believe I want to hook up in every town I have to stop into. I have no idea why they think this, but they do. We are having normal conversation. He proceeds to tell me he can rock my world and have me calling his name. I tried to ignore him, but eventually he decided to get comfortable and rub his hand on my thigh. I didn't react, and he didn't know what else to do. Thankfully, he gave up before I had to break out the taser gun.
Bachelor #3 is the funniest story I have had in a long time. After my spa experience, which I will get back to shortly, I decided to meet a friend out for drinks. She's looking for a new man. I just wanted a couple of cocktails cause as you can see, I attract the wrong men. We go to Legal Seafoods at Gallery Place in Downtown DC. The bartenders were sweethearts. One kept calling me beautiful and gave me free drinks. Loved him! There were a group of people at the bar who come to this bar every single Friday for Happy Hour. They all either live in the same building or they work together and they have this routine. They were a fun bunch of guys and ladies. One guy told me that he wanted to get laid that night. Good for him. He can move to the next contestant. His friend was really nice until he said he was the perfect man. Once again, curious as always, I ask, "Why?" He said, and trust me, I can't make this stuff up, "Cause I have a 2 inch penis and a 50 mile an hour ass." I really didn't know how to respond to that. All I could do was laugh. What exactly am I supposed to say? Not really sure.
It will never cease to amaze me the things men will do just to get access or the promise of access to a vagina. They have no shame whatsoever. Absolutely amazing to me.
Back to my spa experience. I lay on the table with my bottom half of my body exposed to the world. God bless Shae. She is an amazing woman. She begins this process of waxing my nether regions like she was waxing my eyebrows. She could have cared less what it was. She applied the wax and off it went, and again, and again. Surprisingly, it really wasn't that unpleasant. I didn't shed a tear. I never screamed out. It was almost empowering. I won't sit here and say it was the comfortable experience I have ever had. It's quite personal. But I actually felt like I accomplished something. I overcame two of my biggest fears. I showed my goodies to someone besides my doctor and wasn't embarassed. I did something knowing it was going to be somewhat painful. I hate pain. I run from it. So for me to get this done knowing it was going to hurt was a huge feat for me.
The most important thing about the whole experience, I did it for me. I didn't do it for a boyfriend, a prospective lover, or some type of competition. I did it because I wanted to do something different with my life. I wanted to live edge just a little bit. And I absolutely loved doing something unexpected of myself. I am trying think of something else unexpected I can do. I could ask Big Sexy out. That's something unexpected and normally I would never do. It could be painful. He might say no. It's a strong possibility he could say no. We work together for God's sake. It could be awkward, but maybe it will be rewarding too.
We will just have to see what happens. I have no idea when I will see him again since now we work in different offices. If I can just keep my fearless attitude a little bit longer.......
Oh by the way, the pedicure was awesome! It was so relaxing and sinful. It was icing on the cake for a wonderful day. The ruby red tulips I brought on my way home helped make a perfect weekend.
Kiwi
So off to the spa I go on the same day as the Right to Life March on Washington. I am on the subway with all these people saying abortion is wrong and pictures of babies. All I could think of was, why are we all so obsessed with what goes in and out of a vagina?
For woman, we are used to it. We have lived with our vaginas since birth. We learned what it was for when we got older. Our vaginas can bring pleasure, pain and satisfaction. We go to the gyno every year to make sure our vaginas are healthy. We get our nether regions groomed for personal reasons or to be more presentable to the opposite or same sex. It's what we do.
Men, on the other hand, will do whatever it takes to get into our vaginas. I have heard the craziest pick up lines and have had the dumbest stuff said to me. One idiot, last Labor Day weekend, was with me at the same house party. He seemed nice enough. I met him through a mutual friend. I had seen him repeatedly. Usually he was an ass to me. I thought he hated me. Everyone had a couple of cocktails. He strikes up a conversation with me. He immediately tells me he wants to sleep with me. Now, I have never had a one night stand and at 33, I have no desire to ever have one. I would not want to see this guy for more than one date. I already know it's not going to happen, so I tell him, thanks but no thanks. He didn't take me seriously, and proceeded to tell me I want a guy like him because he's a freak. Now, I'm curious. The term 'freak' is thrown out there quite a bit. Every one says they are freaky now. It's the 'in' thing. I ask, like an idiot, what being a freak means. This man has the nerve to say that he will lick my asshole to which my immediate response was, "Why would you do that, and tell me you would do that?" Our conversation didn't last much longer. True to form, I went home alone and I have not seen or spoken to him since.
When I was Philly two weeks ago, I needed to eat some dinner. It was late. I just wanted to have a Cosmo and a burger. I went to Red Rooster in downtown Philly. I'm sitting at the bar minding my own business. I met some really nice people. This one young man, who was 23, decides he wants to be my special friend for the evening. As a woman who travels alone, men want to believe I want to hook up in every town I have to stop into. I have no idea why they think this, but they do. We are having normal conversation. He proceeds to tell me he can rock my world and have me calling his name. I tried to ignore him, but eventually he decided to get comfortable and rub his hand on my thigh. I didn't react, and he didn't know what else to do. Thankfully, he gave up before I had to break out the taser gun.
Bachelor #3 is the funniest story I have had in a long time. After my spa experience, which I will get back to shortly, I decided to meet a friend out for drinks. She's looking for a new man. I just wanted a couple of cocktails cause as you can see, I attract the wrong men. We go to Legal Seafoods at Gallery Place in Downtown DC. The bartenders were sweethearts. One kept calling me beautiful and gave me free drinks. Loved him! There were a group of people at the bar who come to this bar every single Friday for Happy Hour. They all either live in the same building or they work together and they have this routine. They were a fun bunch of guys and ladies. One guy told me that he wanted to get laid that night. Good for him. He can move to the next contestant. His friend was really nice until he said he was the perfect man. Once again, curious as always, I ask, "Why?" He said, and trust me, I can't make this stuff up, "Cause I have a 2 inch penis and a 50 mile an hour ass." I really didn't know how to respond to that. All I could do was laugh. What exactly am I supposed to say? Not really sure.
It will never cease to amaze me the things men will do just to get access or the promise of access to a vagina. They have no shame whatsoever. Absolutely amazing to me.
Back to my spa experience. I lay on the table with my bottom half of my body exposed to the world. God bless Shae. She is an amazing woman. She begins this process of waxing my nether regions like she was waxing my eyebrows. She could have cared less what it was. She applied the wax and off it went, and again, and again. Surprisingly, it really wasn't that unpleasant. I didn't shed a tear. I never screamed out. It was almost empowering. I won't sit here and say it was the comfortable experience I have ever had. It's quite personal. But I actually felt like I accomplished something. I overcame two of my biggest fears. I showed my goodies to someone besides my doctor and wasn't embarassed. I did something knowing it was going to be somewhat painful. I hate pain. I run from it. So for me to get this done knowing it was going to hurt was a huge feat for me.
The most important thing about the whole experience, I did it for me. I didn't do it for a boyfriend, a prospective lover, or some type of competition. I did it because I wanted to do something different with my life. I wanted to live edge just a little bit. And I absolutely loved doing something unexpected of myself. I am trying think of something else unexpected I can do. I could ask Big Sexy out. That's something unexpected and normally I would never do. It could be painful. He might say no. It's a strong possibility he could say no. We work together for God's sake. It could be awkward, but maybe it will be rewarding too.
We will just have to see what happens. I have no idea when I will see him again since now we work in different offices. If I can just keep my fearless attitude a little bit longer.......
Oh by the way, the pedicure was awesome! It was so relaxing and sinful. It was icing on the cake for a wonderful day. The ruby red tulips I brought on my way home helped make a perfect weekend.
Kiwi
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
What I've Learned
This week has been an interesting week. As promised, I try to have a new adventure every weekend. This was a three day weekend, and on Monday, I decided to give back to humanity. On Sunday night, the news was asking for volunteers. The Haitian Embassy had a huge donation drive on Sunday and had received so much from the people of DC that were need volunteers to organize and sort all the donations.
Monday morning, I woke up, got dressed and went on my way. When I reached DC General, I was amazed to see a line wrapped around the building of people waiting to help out. There were people of all ages, races, and nationalities. It was truly beautiful. Inside, it was chaos. People had donated so much for the cause. All of the hundreds of volunteers worked together in various department in order to get everything sorted, boxed up, and shipped to the people of Haiti. It was exhilarating. We were working at a hectic pace. I was exhausted but extremely happy with what was accomplished. I met really nice people. I really felt like I had a purpose that day.
Fast forward to today, and I feel miserable. I spent most of the day crying. I have had a rough few months. I receive a call in September that my godson has to have stomach surgery. A couple of weeks later, I find out my mom has to have open heart surgery to replace a heart valve and triple bypass surgery. While in AZ helping out my parents, my brother has a heart attack. He has another heart attack a couple of days later, has surgery and then is placed in a coma in order to perserve his life. The range of emotions was intense. I was trying to still be completely engaged in my professional life and my personal life, but family had to come first.
When I finally was able to go see my brother in SC, all I could do was cry. He wasn't the strong man I remembered. After being in the coma, he had to learn how to walk, talk, and take care of himself again. Every night I left the hospital, I was in tears. I would drive to his house crying the entire way and then cry myself to sleep. It was the only release I had. Throughout this whole ordeal, I found out who my true friends were. My friend I have known forever would text me 2 in the morning just to let me know she was concerned and praying I was okay. There is another woman I have known since birth who I have grown apart from in recent years. For years, she had stabbed me in the back, lied to me, lied on me, used me to get away with things. I finally decided I had enough and pulled back on my friendship. We deal with each other occasionally, but not consistently. As soon as she found out what was going on in my life, she constantly reached out to me, ask me how she could help, call my parents to check on them, and let me know she was there when I needed her. My friends near and far, from London to China to Arizona to Ohio, would check on me, offer me encouragement, say kind words, and try to build me up.
On the flip side, I had other friends who seemed like they never cared. One stayed with me for a week, free of charge, I showed her around town, paid for a few things while she was here. She was around when I received the call that my brother had a coma. Do you think she checked on me after she left? NO! I had not heard from her for weeks until two days when she put something trivial on my Facebook page. One of my other friends, who I let go of recently, would tell me I was Debbie Downer and wouldn't even ask how my family was doing unless she was in the mood to listen.
You would think that would be enough to deal with, but now I have a new issue. My own mother is barely speaking to me. We got into an argument while I was there over Xmas. She wanted to have a pity party and say she made a mistake by having surgery. I told her that I could understand why she didn't see the opportunity as a second chance from God. She didn't talk to me the remainder of the time I was in town. She wouldn't call me once I returned home. Unless I call the house, I don't hear from her. To pour salt in the wound, I was cooking and cleaning the entire time I was in Phoenix. She would come and eat, say thank you, and go back upstairs until my sister came home. Then she would come down and talk, but not to me.
I've always been a good kid. Never got in trouble, always did well in school, and worked my way up professionally. I have always done what my parents needed. When my mom was sick a few years ago, I rearranged my work schedule to be able to take her to doctor's appointments and for lab tests. Even with this last episode, I flew myself in from DC on two separate occasions, worked out an arrangement with my manager and coworkers to be able to work in AZ although all my clients and consultants are in the Mid-Atlantic area. I never complained. I never asked for praise. Never expected it my whole life. I saw one thing to you and not even in a disrespectful way and you can't speak to me anymore?
I don't know what to do. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cry constantly and I am devastated on the inside. This is my mom. Not some stranger. I was driving home today crying and thinking to myself that if I got in a car accident and died, I really don't think she would care. I want to believe that's not true, but I really don't know. I feel so alone sometimes. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have no hope.
I have learned this week I can do all the volunteer work in the world, I can be successful at my job, and I can have tons of friends. But when you are truly heartbroken, none of it matters until you find a way to sustain your heart again. I really don't know what I am going to do. I believe I am strong woman. I believe God can sustain, but I really don't know where he's been lately. I don't know how to talk to him cause I don't think he will listen. He sees my pain, but it keeps getting worse.
I refuse to be defeated and one day I know I will be fine. I just don't think I will be okay for awhile and do know how much longer I will be tested. I gotta get through this some how. I really do.
Kiwi
Monday morning, I woke up, got dressed and went on my way. When I reached DC General, I was amazed to see a line wrapped around the building of people waiting to help out. There were people of all ages, races, and nationalities. It was truly beautiful. Inside, it was chaos. People had donated so much for the cause. All of the hundreds of volunteers worked together in various department in order to get everything sorted, boxed up, and shipped to the people of Haiti. It was exhilarating. We were working at a hectic pace. I was exhausted but extremely happy with what was accomplished. I met really nice people. I really felt like I had a purpose that day.
Fast forward to today, and I feel miserable. I spent most of the day crying. I have had a rough few months. I receive a call in September that my godson has to have stomach surgery. A couple of weeks later, I find out my mom has to have open heart surgery to replace a heart valve and triple bypass surgery. While in AZ helping out my parents, my brother has a heart attack. He has another heart attack a couple of days later, has surgery and then is placed in a coma in order to perserve his life. The range of emotions was intense. I was trying to still be completely engaged in my professional life and my personal life, but family had to come first.
When I finally was able to go see my brother in SC, all I could do was cry. He wasn't the strong man I remembered. After being in the coma, he had to learn how to walk, talk, and take care of himself again. Every night I left the hospital, I was in tears. I would drive to his house crying the entire way and then cry myself to sleep. It was the only release I had. Throughout this whole ordeal, I found out who my true friends were. My friend I have known forever would text me 2 in the morning just to let me know she was concerned and praying I was okay. There is another woman I have known since birth who I have grown apart from in recent years. For years, she had stabbed me in the back, lied to me, lied on me, used me to get away with things. I finally decided I had enough and pulled back on my friendship. We deal with each other occasionally, but not consistently. As soon as she found out what was going on in my life, she constantly reached out to me, ask me how she could help, call my parents to check on them, and let me know she was there when I needed her. My friends near and far, from London to China to Arizona to Ohio, would check on me, offer me encouragement, say kind words, and try to build me up.
On the flip side, I had other friends who seemed like they never cared. One stayed with me for a week, free of charge, I showed her around town, paid for a few things while she was here. She was around when I received the call that my brother had a coma. Do you think she checked on me after she left? NO! I had not heard from her for weeks until two days when she put something trivial on my Facebook page. One of my other friends, who I let go of recently, would tell me I was Debbie Downer and wouldn't even ask how my family was doing unless she was in the mood to listen.
You would think that would be enough to deal with, but now I have a new issue. My own mother is barely speaking to me. We got into an argument while I was there over Xmas. She wanted to have a pity party and say she made a mistake by having surgery. I told her that I could understand why she didn't see the opportunity as a second chance from God. She didn't talk to me the remainder of the time I was in town. She wouldn't call me once I returned home. Unless I call the house, I don't hear from her. To pour salt in the wound, I was cooking and cleaning the entire time I was in Phoenix. She would come and eat, say thank you, and go back upstairs until my sister came home. Then she would come down and talk, but not to me.
I've always been a good kid. Never got in trouble, always did well in school, and worked my way up professionally. I have always done what my parents needed. When my mom was sick a few years ago, I rearranged my work schedule to be able to take her to doctor's appointments and for lab tests. Even with this last episode, I flew myself in from DC on two separate occasions, worked out an arrangement with my manager and coworkers to be able to work in AZ although all my clients and consultants are in the Mid-Atlantic area. I never complained. I never asked for praise. Never expected it my whole life. I saw one thing to you and not even in a disrespectful way and you can't speak to me anymore?
I don't know what to do. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I cry constantly and I am devastated on the inside. This is my mom. Not some stranger. I was driving home today crying and thinking to myself that if I got in a car accident and died, I really don't think she would care. I want to believe that's not true, but I really don't know. I feel so alone sometimes. If it wasn't for my friends, I would have no hope.
I have learned this week I can do all the volunteer work in the world, I can be successful at my job, and I can have tons of friends. But when you are truly heartbroken, none of it matters until you find a way to sustain your heart again. I really don't know what I am going to do. I believe I am strong woman. I believe God can sustain, but I really don't know where he's been lately. I don't know how to talk to him cause I don't think he will listen. He sees my pain, but it keeps getting worse.
I refuse to be defeated and one day I know I will be fine. I just don't think I will be okay for awhile and do know how much longer I will be tested. I gotta get through this some how. I really do.
Kiwi
Monday, January 18, 2010
Love's In Need of Love Today
Last week was rough. I had to travel to 5 different states in a matter of 4 days. I drove about 1000 miles in 5 days. It's exhausting! Add to that, the terrible news about the passing of Teddy Pendegrass. I am a child of the 70s. I am pretty sure I was conceived after or during a Teddy song! In an African American home in the 70s, you could sure of a few things: an Afro, an 8-track player, and the Philadelphia Sound with Teddy P as its ambassador. Music was amazing back then . It had so much meaning. So much power. We were starting to come into our own. Civil Rights had gripped the nation in the previous decade. The 70s was all about climbing up from the ruins of Jim Crow laws and restriction. There was a lot of pride, a lot hope. It was a great time to be born.
Love songs in 70s were true and beautiful. I can remember growing up and listening to Stevie Wonder. Songs of the Key of Life was released the year I was born, 1976. I have always been amazed at how a man who has never seen the love of his life can write such magical music which can move you to tears of sadness and joy. His songs inspire you to believe in love and never give up on it. It reminds you that love hurts, but love can be triumphant. Love is in Need of Love is one of my favorite songs on that compilation CD. It can solve the needs of the world today which brings me to the other tragedy of last week.
The earthquake in Haiti breaks my heart. I can't watch the news coverage because I feel helpless. I want to do something. I have contributed some money, but I still want to do more. The hardest part of the entire tragedy is the heartlessness of men. Why are men like Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson allowed to exist? I understand God has a purpose for all people, but I fail to understand what their purpose could be. How can you claim to be a God-fearing person and try to conjure up such hate in people? For Rush Limbaugh to make a Haiti a political matter is more the despicable, it's inhumane. How can a person look at the struggles and devastation of the people in Haiti and not feel anything loving or compassionate? How can you watch children crying in the street, trying to find their parents, or looking for some resemblance of stability when their world has been completely turned upside down, and tell your listeners not to help these people? Most importantly, why is he still on the air? Can the radio stations who play him be so greedy that they too have lost their souls? It makes me cry to know someone with his influence would use his resources to promote such hatred toward his fellow man all because their skin is black. Why doesn't he just put a sheet on and prove me right?
Pat Robertson is no better. He pretends to be a man of God, but promotes hatred. All the natural disasters that have happened in my lifetime, he has never said the tornado that hit Oklahoma City and devastated the town and cost many lives was a sign from God because the people of Oklahoma City had done something wrong. When hurricanes hit Texas, he didn't say it was because the people of Texas had sold their souls to the devil. Why? Because they are mostly white. No one will say that's why Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh behave the way they do. They are racist, and the worst kind. They hide behind God and politics to cover their true motives. I believe they both in some way have sold their soul, and I believe one day, some day soon, they will both have to answer to God. Thankfully, neither will have to answer to me. God is much more forgiving than I am. I would have no sympathy for either of these men.
My travels last week, although tiring, reminded of something. People are good people by nature. There are some of us who have a bad soul, whose hearts are filled with evil, and they mean no good to mankind. But I also was able to see that most people have good intentions. I went to bar to have a drink in Philadelphia. I met lots of wonderful people while I was there. I met a man who was having drinks with his son. They were both white men, but it didn't even matter. All I saw was two men with beautiful souls. They were filled with joy, and you could tell through their conversation, they had a positive outlook on life. The father hugged me when he left. Just a genuinely wonderful man. I had those experiences when I went to Reading Terminal in Philly, while I was eating dinner in Richmond, and when I checked into my hotel in Delaware. I see good everywhere I go, and I want to believe one day good people will be in control of this world we live in.
We can't let hatred win. We can't let negativity dictate our futures. We can't let bad people steal our spirit. I pray for the people of Haiti. Nothing I could do would ever be enough to give them back what they have lost, but I have faith that God will see them through. He will give them strength to survive and to overcome. He will protect those with a true heart. He will help them see the light when nothing but darkness surrounds them.
I am going to volunteer and help box up all the supplies that have been gathered in DC and get them ready to ship to Haiti. It's the least I can do. And that's all anyone can ask you to do.
Love songs in 70s were true and beautiful. I can remember growing up and listening to Stevie Wonder. Songs of the Key of Life was released the year I was born, 1976. I have always been amazed at how a man who has never seen the love of his life can write such magical music which can move you to tears of sadness and joy. His songs inspire you to believe in love and never give up on it. It reminds you that love hurts, but love can be triumphant. Love is in Need of Love is one of my favorite songs on that compilation CD. It can solve the needs of the world today which brings me to the other tragedy of last week.
The earthquake in Haiti breaks my heart. I can't watch the news coverage because I feel helpless. I want to do something. I have contributed some money, but I still want to do more. The hardest part of the entire tragedy is the heartlessness of men. Why are men like Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson allowed to exist? I understand God has a purpose for all people, but I fail to understand what their purpose could be. How can you claim to be a God-fearing person and try to conjure up such hate in people? For Rush Limbaugh to make a Haiti a political matter is more the despicable, it's inhumane. How can a person look at the struggles and devastation of the people in Haiti and not feel anything loving or compassionate? How can you watch children crying in the street, trying to find their parents, or looking for some resemblance of stability when their world has been completely turned upside down, and tell your listeners not to help these people? Most importantly, why is he still on the air? Can the radio stations who play him be so greedy that they too have lost their souls? It makes me cry to know someone with his influence would use his resources to promote such hatred toward his fellow man all because their skin is black. Why doesn't he just put a sheet on and prove me right?
Pat Robertson is no better. He pretends to be a man of God, but promotes hatred. All the natural disasters that have happened in my lifetime, he has never said the tornado that hit Oklahoma City and devastated the town and cost many lives was a sign from God because the people of Oklahoma City had done something wrong. When hurricanes hit Texas, he didn't say it was because the people of Texas had sold their souls to the devil. Why? Because they are mostly white. No one will say that's why Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh behave the way they do. They are racist, and the worst kind. They hide behind God and politics to cover their true motives. I believe they both in some way have sold their soul, and I believe one day, some day soon, they will both have to answer to God. Thankfully, neither will have to answer to me. God is much more forgiving than I am. I would have no sympathy for either of these men.
My travels last week, although tiring, reminded of something. People are good people by nature. There are some of us who have a bad soul, whose hearts are filled with evil, and they mean no good to mankind. But I also was able to see that most people have good intentions. I went to bar to have a drink in Philadelphia. I met lots of wonderful people while I was there. I met a man who was having drinks with his son. They were both white men, but it didn't even matter. All I saw was two men with beautiful souls. They were filled with joy, and you could tell through their conversation, they had a positive outlook on life. The father hugged me when he left. Just a genuinely wonderful man. I had those experiences when I went to Reading Terminal in Philly, while I was eating dinner in Richmond, and when I checked into my hotel in Delaware. I see good everywhere I go, and I want to believe one day good people will be in control of this world we live in.
We can't let hatred win. We can't let negativity dictate our futures. We can't let bad people steal our spirit. I pray for the people of Haiti. Nothing I could do would ever be enough to give them back what they have lost, but I have faith that God will see them through. He will give them strength to survive and to overcome. He will protect those with a true heart. He will help them see the light when nothing but darkness surrounds them.
I am going to volunteer and help box up all the supplies that have been gathered in DC and get them ready to ship to Haiti. It's the least I can do. And that's all anyone can ask you to do.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Is something wrong with me?
I have to admit. I am 33 years old and I have a massive crush on a coworker. I have had this crush for over a year. For people who know me, I am not a shy person. I could talk to a shoe if it would answer me. I gave a 2 hour presentation today in front of 40 people that I have never met. It's not like I don't talk to this guy. We work together, but we don't have any cases together. However, we talk frequently. Anytime I am in his office or he's at my office, we have the most fantastic conversations. We can talk about work, family, friends. We crack each other up. We always leave the conversation with a really big grin. During the holiday season, we were stuck at some of the same company functions, and once again, we had a great time. So for the life of me, I can't figure out why I haven't asked him out, but I am absolutely terrified.
Let me put it in perspective. I am in an industry, the insurance industry, that is really truly male dominated. I work with men all the time. I go out to dinner with them, out for drinks, present for them and with them with no issue. Married men are never a problem for me. I am extremely comfortable with married men because they are not a threat to me. I would never try to take a man from his wife because I believe in karma and I would not want my bad acts to come back and bite me in the ass. Not my idea of fun. Single men are usually not a challenge for either. We flirt, we laugh, we joke, but it's never uncomfortable. Perfect example, one of the reps I work with who is based out of the Delaware office is an absolute sweetheart. He's like a 6'1 brother. He has his stuff together. Extremely handsome, good job, nicest guy. He walked me to my car today after our meeting. We stood and talked for awhile. He gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek and we went out separate ways. I wasn't offended by it. It's very nice that he is such a gentleman to me, but I didn't once feel uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about what people would think because we stood and talked to each other for a long time inside the building and outside. Everyone saw us leave early and walk out together. I won't lose any sleep over it.
Now, if this was Big Sexy (the nickname I have for my crush) I would absolutely freak out. I don't even touch him. When I am at his desk, I keep my hands to myself. This is extremely hard for me. I am a very touchy feely person. I touch everyone when I talk. I finally shook his hand after a year last month. As I said before, we have fantastic conversations. You would never know if you saw us talking to each other that I am so uncomfortable in the situation. It's not that I am afraid of him or that I don't like to be touched. I really don't know how I would react if he would hug me and kiss me on my cheek. My biggest fear is I am going to do something indecent. I can't jump on him at work. That's so inappropriate, but I would seriously consider it if he laid a hand on me. He came up behind me in the lunch room and was talking to me over my shoulder from behind. I literally had to hold on to the counter in the kitchen and not look back at him or I would have thrown him on the counter.
Last month, a few of my coworkers had to take one of our preferred vendors out for a happy hour. Big Sexy works with this vendor as well. We all mingle and talk to people but at one point, we were speaking with the same individual. He stands right next to me with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out. Normally, that would irritate me if it was anyone else did it. I would probably hit him in the chest and make a smart ass comment. It could be taken as a sign of arrogance. Do not get me wrong. He's extremely arrogant, but he also knows I will knock him off his high horse real quick if he plays that mess with me. When it's Big Sexy with his hands on his hips and proud rooster chest, it's such a turn on. He looks powerful and strong when he does that like he can take control of a situation or take control of me which is so hot to think about. I got out of the conversation as soon as I could just to keep from throwing him against a wall and saying, "It's on!" He's just so big and thick. Broad shoulders, thick thighs. Oh have mercy!
Is everything all roses with Big Sexy? Hell no! We battle. He knows how to get under my skin and I know how to get under his. We are both smart asses with a quick tongue. We always have snappy comebacks for each other. There are times I think we do our best to get a reaction out of each other. The rest of our personalities could not be more different. I am extremely outspoken. I walk into a room, you know I am there because you will always hear me laughing about something. He's pretty quiet until he gets to know you, but he commands respect the minute he walks in a room. He's extremely intelligent. But he is also insanely good looking. Like abnormally pretty. At the happy hour, most of the women stood in a corner looking at him and giggling to each other about how hot he was. Some of the women at the office have professed their love to him. One of his clients had an HR person and a receptionist ask him out on a date all at the same business meeting. Why do you think I call him Big Sexy?
He also can be an absolute sweetheart. The older women in the office adore him becaue he treats them well. He's been a great help to me. I was new to DC. New to the sales office I was working in. He had my back. He let me know who I could be myself around, who I needed to be cautious with. He would always give me advice on places to go on the weekends. If I need his advice, he makes himself available. He always answers me emails within minutes unless he's in a meeting. And in his own way, he can be kind of goofy which is adorable. He has to know how good looking he is. People tell him all the time. Sometimes he can do and say the goofiest thing and give you this look of a child. It's the funniest thing in the world to me.
So the magic questions is: What's wrong with me? Why don't I jump on this opportunity? He's everything I should be looking for in a man, but yet I am still afraid. The fact we work together is a big hang up. No one could ever know we were together. I don't mind people in my business but in my personal romantic relationships, I want no interference. And sometimes people can be messy and try to sabotage your relationship. On the flip side, what if he is the right person for me? I wonder about that. It keeps me up thinking about it some days. I believe that's why he makes me so nervous. I have never had a man who has this kind of effect on me. A man I admire, respect, and who I think is amazingly sexy, physically and intellectually. He challenges me, and I like it. But he can also reign me in. He doesn't let me win. If he doesn't agree with me, he won't bite his tongue. He presents his argument and he stands his ground. Another turn on! Usually I am hate it when I don't get me way!
I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking, if he can sense how nervous he makes me. If he knows I silently adore him, that I think about him constantly and I worry about his safety. That I wish him all the best in life and wish I could be a part of what makes his life wonderful. I wonder....
One day, who knows when, this newly shy woman will get some balls and just bite the bullet. I always wonder why he doesn't ask me out? Is he not attracted to me? Do I inimidate him? Do I make him nervous? Or do I make him step his game? I have no idea. 2010 has to be the year I find out. I either need to move on from him or figure out what I really feel for him.
Trust me. I am scared out of my mind to know what the true answer to my personal mystery is, but I am dying inside not knowing. Something has to give....
Tired in Delaware
Kiwi
Let me put it in perspective. I am in an industry, the insurance industry, that is really truly male dominated. I work with men all the time. I go out to dinner with them, out for drinks, present for them and with them with no issue. Married men are never a problem for me. I am extremely comfortable with married men because they are not a threat to me. I would never try to take a man from his wife because I believe in karma and I would not want my bad acts to come back and bite me in the ass. Not my idea of fun. Single men are usually not a challenge for either. We flirt, we laugh, we joke, but it's never uncomfortable. Perfect example, one of the reps I work with who is based out of the Delaware office is an absolute sweetheart. He's like a 6'1 brother. He has his stuff together. Extremely handsome, good job, nicest guy. He walked me to my car today after our meeting. We stood and talked for awhile. He gives me a hug and kisses me on the cheek and we went out separate ways. I wasn't offended by it. It's very nice that he is such a gentleman to me, but I didn't once feel uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about what people would think because we stood and talked to each other for a long time inside the building and outside. Everyone saw us leave early and walk out together. I won't lose any sleep over it.
Now, if this was Big Sexy (the nickname I have for my crush) I would absolutely freak out. I don't even touch him. When I am at his desk, I keep my hands to myself. This is extremely hard for me. I am a very touchy feely person. I touch everyone when I talk. I finally shook his hand after a year last month. As I said before, we have fantastic conversations. You would never know if you saw us talking to each other that I am so uncomfortable in the situation. It's not that I am afraid of him or that I don't like to be touched. I really don't know how I would react if he would hug me and kiss me on my cheek. My biggest fear is I am going to do something indecent. I can't jump on him at work. That's so inappropriate, but I would seriously consider it if he laid a hand on me. He came up behind me in the lunch room and was talking to me over my shoulder from behind. I literally had to hold on to the counter in the kitchen and not look back at him or I would have thrown him on the counter.
Last month, a few of my coworkers had to take one of our preferred vendors out for a happy hour. Big Sexy works with this vendor as well. We all mingle and talk to people but at one point, we were speaking with the same individual. He stands right next to me with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out. Normally, that would irritate me if it was anyone else did it. I would probably hit him in the chest and make a smart ass comment. It could be taken as a sign of arrogance. Do not get me wrong. He's extremely arrogant, but he also knows I will knock him off his high horse real quick if he plays that mess with me. When it's Big Sexy with his hands on his hips and proud rooster chest, it's such a turn on. He looks powerful and strong when he does that like he can take control of a situation or take control of me which is so hot to think about. I got out of the conversation as soon as I could just to keep from throwing him against a wall and saying, "It's on!" He's just so big and thick. Broad shoulders, thick thighs. Oh have mercy!
Is everything all roses with Big Sexy? Hell no! We battle. He knows how to get under my skin and I know how to get under his. We are both smart asses with a quick tongue. We always have snappy comebacks for each other. There are times I think we do our best to get a reaction out of each other. The rest of our personalities could not be more different. I am extremely outspoken. I walk into a room, you know I am there because you will always hear me laughing about something. He's pretty quiet until he gets to know you, but he commands respect the minute he walks in a room. He's extremely intelligent. But he is also insanely good looking. Like abnormally pretty. At the happy hour, most of the women stood in a corner looking at him and giggling to each other about how hot he was. Some of the women at the office have professed their love to him. One of his clients had an HR person and a receptionist ask him out on a date all at the same business meeting. Why do you think I call him Big Sexy?
He also can be an absolute sweetheart. The older women in the office adore him becaue he treats them well. He's been a great help to me. I was new to DC. New to the sales office I was working in. He had my back. He let me know who I could be myself around, who I needed to be cautious with. He would always give me advice on places to go on the weekends. If I need his advice, he makes himself available. He always answers me emails within minutes unless he's in a meeting. And in his own way, he can be kind of goofy which is adorable. He has to know how good looking he is. People tell him all the time. Sometimes he can do and say the goofiest thing and give you this look of a child. It's the funniest thing in the world to me.
So the magic questions is: What's wrong with me? Why don't I jump on this opportunity? He's everything I should be looking for in a man, but yet I am still afraid. The fact we work together is a big hang up. No one could ever know we were together. I don't mind people in my business but in my personal romantic relationships, I want no interference. And sometimes people can be messy and try to sabotage your relationship. On the flip side, what if he is the right person for me? I wonder about that. It keeps me up thinking about it some days. I believe that's why he makes me so nervous. I have never had a man who has this kind of effect on me. A man I admire, respect, and who I think is amazingly sexy, physically and intellectually. He challenges me, and I like it. But he can also reign me in. He doesn't let me win. If he doesn't agree with me, he won't bite his tongue. He presents his argument and he stands his ground. Another turn on! Usually I am hate it when I don't get me way!
I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking, if he can sense how nervous he makes me. If he knows I silently adore him, that I think about him constantly and I worry about his safety. That I wish him all the best in life and wish I could be a part of what makes his life wonderful. I wonder....
One day, who knows when, this newly shy woman will get some balls and just bite the bullet. I always wonder why he doesn't ask me out? Is he not attracted to me? Do I inimidate him? Do I make him nervous? Or do I make him step his game? I have no idea. 2010 has to be the year I find out. I either need to move on from him or figure out what I really feel for him.
Trust me. I am scared out of my mind to know what the true answer to my personal mystery is, but I am dying inside not knowing. Something has to give....
Tired in Delaware
Kiwi
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